Life After Heartache

I am alive

2009-10-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

It has almost been a year since I posted. It was just I did not have too much good to really post about. Tom went a whole year without a job lying on his fat ass. Then once he got a job he refused to give me any money for anything. No money for food, clothes for the kids, utilities nothing. But he sure was willing to eat the food I bought and wash with the water I paid for. And still he had his money to go and do the things he wanted. But now it really does not matter. He took off to visit I assume a girl in IL and when he got back half the house was gone and so were the kids and I. I just up and left the house. I moved into a really nice apt. and believe it or not it is huge! I did not know they made apts. this big. I love the place. The kids love going to the pool and playground and how nice to not have to worry about yard work.
I am going to try and start posting again my life is so much better now. How nice is it to be happy again.

Nothging new.

2008-11-04T04:39:00.003-05:00

Don’t have much to update on my life is still the same. Very busy for me and Tom still has no job. And really has not made much of an effort to find one. Thank goodness the kids have a mother who cares about how they are taken care of. So for your viewing pleasure here are some Halloween pictures

What has been going on

2008-09-10T12:37:00.000-04:00

I have been meaning to make a post for some time now but just have not had the time. I have quit my second job waiting tables in order to take a different second job. But this new second job will one day become my main job. A subcontractor that does work for my company needs to expand is his company. He has so much work but no workers to do it. He does Information Technologies. And finding people skilled in his area are few and far between. So he has me working with him 20 hours a week right now teaching me. So I am pretty much getting paid to learn a new skill. But because I have no clue what I am doing he does not pay me too much at the moment. But he told me the faster I learn the faster he will raise my pay. And once I am fully trained I will be making about 30 thousand more a year then I make right now. I just have a lot to learn. I have to learn some electrical, computer programming and a few other things. He will also be sending me off to a few different classes here and there. They are usually just a week long but some of them will be out of state. So between my reg. job and this job I don’t have much time for anything. And since Tom still has no job I really need the income from this second job. The pay I get from it is more then I was making waiting tables.

And yes you heard that right Tom still has no job. And is not really making an effort to get one. Right now I am letting that go since I need him to watch the kids while I work these two jobs and get myself trained. But once I get trained on this new job and get going with the other company he will be shit out of luck. I have been doing my best to stay with him for the kids. But I refuse to work my butt off while he sits and does nothing. And I mean nothing. I am working 60 hours a week while he does nothing. I should not have to lift a finger at home. But that is not what is going on. I have to lose my mind and just go crazy in order for him to do things around the house. But I am doing my best to bite my tongue right now. Because things will not always be like this. The day will come when I can be happy again.

K started Kindergarten this year. She has been doing so well and I am so proud of her. Next Thursday I have to be at her school at 8:45am because she is getting presented an award for being chosen for the terrific kid of the month. The letter I got said she was picked because of her advanced academic skills, manners with student and faculty and working well with others. What a great little girl she is. And she showed me a new skill she has last night that she had been hiding. She can read and has been able to just never let us know. While reading to her last night she cut me off and continued to read the book. And it was a book we had not read so I know it was not memorized. I asked when she started to be able to read and she said for a little while. Don’t know why she finally decided to show off this skill last night but I just about cried.

G my little man not to sure what I am going to do with him. I have been trying to start potty training him but he does not want to do it. So I don’t push it on him but I do bring it up daily. And when I ask him if he wants to use the potty he will tell me no. I have not been able to find anything that will entice him to use the potty and I know he knows when he has to go. One place he won’t go is in the bath tub. If he is in the tub and has to go that is the only time he will tell me and use the potty. And I really want to get him out of diapers.

So not a whole lot going on here just busy busy busy but it won’t last forever. Sooner or later I will get trained enough for the other company to raise my pay to at least what I am making on my main job now and then just go down to one job while I get the rest of my training in and get qualified to make their full pay.

Hard to believe it has been 3 years

2008-08-04T05:47:00.003-04:00

Three years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A baby girl I would never get to see grow up. A little girl that I would never get to know. On this day three years ago my heart broke and I am still not sure if it can ever be repaired. I still think of Emma on almost a daily basis. I still have many nights that I cry myself to sleep wishing to hold her one more time. A part of me is missing that I can never get back.

And as this day has approached I have done a lot of thinking about what this had done to me and how it has changed me. Some change has been for the good but also some has been for the worse.

The good is I believe that I am a better mother to my two living children because I know first hand how special they are. And what a blessing it is that I got the pleasure to bring them into this world healthy and alive. And with out them I don’t know what would have happened to me. I can’t even bring myself to imagine what life would be like with out them.

The bad is that this has taught me is never to think to positive. If you do that you seem to only get heartbroken. I now expect the worse so as not to be too disappointed when things go to shit and fall apart. It is much easier to handle that bad when you expect it.

I will never look back on the day of her birth and be happy about it. I wanted that precious little girl more then anything. I wanted to watch her grow and nurture her. I wanted to see her smile and what kind of person she would have become. But all I get is to say what I wanted, I don’t get all of those things. And that is just not right!! I hope each and everyday that she is at peace and now how much I love her and what she means to me. My life will always be incomplete with out her here. I love you baby girl and miss you more then anything.

Emma Grace 08/04/05 Rest in Peace my Sweet Child
Here is her Montage if you would like to view it.

My Angel My Love

Tagged

2008-07-01T12:06:00.000-04:00

I first have to apologize to Kim for taking so long to do this. But better late then never.
Tagged!
A - Attached or Single: Sadly attached to somebody I don’t want to b

B - Best Friend(s): Sue

C - Cake or Pie: Cake

D - Day of Choice: Saturday

E - Essential Item: My face cream I have really dry skin around my nose

F - Favorite Color(s): Brown and Purple

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: I love them both I could live off that candy

H - Hometown: Ocoee, Florida

I - Indulgence(s): Cake and Sinkers

J - January or July: January, my year always seems to suck so I always hope that come January the new year will be better then the last.

K - Kids: This one is hard for me to answer, I have 3 children but most people don’t count Emma

L - Life is incomplete without: all my children

M - Marriage Date: October 7, 2000

N - Number of Siblings: One and we are nothing alike

O - Oranges or Apples: Oranges

P- Phobias or Fears: Snakes I hate snakes

Q - Quote: Don’t have one

R- Ring size: 6

S - Season: Spring

T- Tag 5 Friends: Anybody who wants to do it

U - Unknown fact about me: I have two learning disabilities, but I am sure you can tell from how badly I write and spell.

V - Very favorite stores: Wal-Mart & Kohl’s

W - Worst Habit: Not cleaning my car out. I keep a very messy car

X-ray or Ultrasound: Does not really matter

Y - Your Favorite Food(s): Mexican

Z - Zodiac: Leo

I am Good!!

2008-07-01T06:42:00.001-04:00

So some good news for me. My blood work came back wonderful!! I will now have to be checked once a year for 5 years. All though my Dr. is going to do one more check at 6 months just to be safe. And I have to say at this moment I love the good news. Now if Tom could just get off his ass and find a job.

I am Tired

2008-06-25T07:42:00.001-04:00

So no new job for Tom yet. I get on line every morning and e-mail jobs to him to apply for but nothing yet. I have my fingers crossed on a really good job I found for him. He also gets first dibs at the interview because he is an injured veteran. So I really hope that one works out. Thursday I went on line and applied him for un-employment. Talk about pissed I asked him do to that Wed. but he did not do it. Mater of fact he did not do anything. I came home to a dirty house and him lying under a blanket on the couch watching TV. I asked him why the house was dirty and he said “I knew you going to bitch about that, I did not have time to do anything.” Well what the hell was he doing all day long? I mean I e-mail him 10 jobs to apply for but that does not take all day long. So not only did he not apply for his un-employment but he did not do anything around the house. Needless to say I was not happy and just took the kids outside to play and left him lying on the couch. I asked him to please call about the Cobra paper work today lets see if he can get that done.

Well Monday June 30th I go to get the results of my last set of blood work. I have my fingers crossed that I still come back with no viral load. And if I do that means for sure I cleared and all is well with my health. After that if it all comes back good I will only have to be checked once a year. So I am hoping for so good news Monday. I mean come I need some good news.

I also started working some night shifts at my main job again since Tom has no money coming in and I will need all the extra money I can get to pay for Cobra until we get more insurance. And working those night shifts really get me tired. I don't get much rest when I do this. But thankfully that is being worked out also. See my main job does not have any health insurance for me because they are a union contractor. The local union provides health insurance for all the union employees. And since I do not work in the union trade and I only work for a union contractor they do not provide me any health insurance. The union is self insured and you have to be in the union to get their coverage. So if my company were to get me health coverage I would be the only employee that they were covering and it would be very expensive. But being in this business you get very close with your subcontractors. So one of our subcontractors that is not union is going to put me on their payroll so that I can get their benefits. So I will just have to pay a few months of Cobra until my insurance kicks in with them. Thank goodness for good people who care.

Can things get any worse

2008-06-18T05:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Tom got laid off from his job along with 5 other people. Its not the money I am worried about. Like I said before I am the main bread winner in the house hold. But his job held the health insurance. And with the health problems I am having right now. And the fact that G will have to go and see an ENT Dr. we need the insurance right now. And I know we can get Cobra until we get more insurance. But have any of you ever paid for Cobra? Well I have and it is outrageous.

The only good thing I have to look forward to today is that I am meeting with somebody about another possible job. And they do have health benefits. So maybe this will work out and we all will be ok on that end. That is all I can hope for.

But hell like don’t I have enough on my plate to deal with. Or can any more pile up and when will it all end. There has to be a stopping point somewhere, enough is enough I don’t know how much more I can deal with. And even though Tom is the one that lost his job I will be the one dealing with everything. So as soon as I post this I will get on line and start looking at jobs for him. Yes me looking for jobs for him or it won’t get done and he will not find a job soon. This is how it has always worked. I do the looking tell him where and he applies. He will not look himself. Everything always falls on my head. And I have no choice but to do it because he needs to have a job.

Perfect example, before bed last night he said to me “so since I am not working I guess you expect me to clean the house”. That is damn right I had better not come home to a dirty house if he is home all day. He also asked me if he had to keep the kids or could he take them to my moms. I told him he is to keep the kids and only take them over to my mothers if he has to go somewhere to apply for a job. Do you see why I feel the way I do. I have to force him to help. And do everything for him. He is lazy and will not do anything unless he is pushed to do it.

So more stress for me. Wish me luck that I find something good for him. And wish me luck that things start turning around soon or I just might lose it.

I am still Alive

2008-06-17T06:03:00.003-04:00

I first want to thank all of you that have been checking on my though me blog and by e-mail. It really means the world to me right now. I have started a post 100 times but have not posted it. I have not been in a good place.

I will start my update with Tom. I have decided to stay for the kids. That is not to say that will not change. But I sat down with K and had a child friendly talk with her. In her own words “I don’t want mommy and daddy to live in two different houses, I want us all together.” I then sat and tired to have a civil conversation with Tom. Still as of this moment he has not done anything to try and make things better other then telling me he loves a few times a day. I do not tell him I love him back because I don’t and don’t know if I ever will again. He is still doing the same shit that got me to this point to begin with. Like the porn, I decided to check the internet files a few weeks ago. I came to see that he was viewing porn on the lap top which is down stairs. And the times it showed him viewing this porn was when the children were home which means they would have been down stairs also. Needless to say I let him have it. He tried to deny it but when I showed him the files there was not much more he could deny. He then gave me two different stories. The first was they were out side playing. Then the second was they were at my mothers. So I then asked him which one was it. Then I told him never mind because he is never to look at porn when there is a chance the kids could see it. And we once again got into a fight about him having an addiction. Which he will not admit to, but come on if you can’t even wait until your kids are in bed or not there to look at it I think you have a problem. And to top things off some of the sites he went on to down loaded a virus onto our computer I had to had fix.

Another thing that has me down is Gavin’s Birthday. Gavin turned 2 June 1st. His birthday brings out so many emotions in me. We have the fact that I am so happy he is here and healthy and doing great. But then there is also the dark side of his birthday that I have to deal with. The one that the little voices in side me that always say “you know he would not be here if Emma had been ok”. This brings me so much pain. So as you can see I get so torn on his birthday. I love Gavin with all my heart but then there is also the part of my heart that loves his sister that never got to be here. And while being happy that G is here I am also still so heartbroken on how and why he got to be here.

And speaking of Emma we are just a few weeks away from when she was born. And I seem to having a harder time this year with this then last year. I seem to be going backwards.

Then we have Kirstin. At her 5 year check up I asked the Dr. to send us for blood work so that I have could have her chromosomes checked. Those who have followed my story know that Tom has a screwed up chromosome and passed that on to Gavin. We did not know about it at the time we had Kirstin so she was never checked. I was hoping with all my heart that she did not get it. I figured somebody had to catch a break but I was wrong. Kirstin has it and I was just devastated when I got the phone call. I hung up and just cried. Now both of my children will have to go though all these problems if and when they decide to start a family. And it just kills me to even think about this. I don’t wish this heartache on anybody much less my own children. I just have my fingers crossed that years from now when they want children there is more they can do for them so they don’t have to go though the loses like I did.

Then you have me, physically I have felt great. I went yesterday and had blood drawn and go to the Doctor on June 30th for the results. This is the last test to make sure I did clear on my own. Like I said before there is a small chance that I was just under the radar and I could come back this time with a viral load. And if that is the case we will start treatment. So here I sit on the edge again waiting on those test results.

As for my emotional state it is not good. I am staying where I am at for my children not because that is were I want to be. So I go home and put on a happy face when I really am not happy and that can wear you down. And me and the other guy I have told you about in the past we are still very much in love with each other. He knows the deal and has told me he would wait on me. And as much as I want to tell him to wait until the time is right for me and my children to leave I can’t do that to him. I have told him not to wait on me. It would not be fair for me to do that to him. We still talk on the phone almost daily but I have not seen him in months. I miss him dearly and wish that things could be different. But things are what they are. And hopefully one day he and I can be together. We have both said we have never felt this way about anybody. And he himself is having some very serious medical problems right now and it is just killing me that I can not be there for him and comfort him. So this also adds to my depression. I am just hoping that one day I can be happy. I am starting to forget what happy is like. And this I find the one thing that makes me the saddest.

Lily how I Celebrated

2008-05-07T06:20:00.001-04:00

Well sad to say but I celebrated with a Raspberry Margarita. See I am not a big drinker but I do like to have a drink every now and then. And with this virus you can not drink. Not even a social drink every now and then. And just like when I was pregnant once you know you can’t drink that only makes you want one even more. At least with me. So once the Dr. told me I was clear I went to a Mexican Restaurant for dinner and had a Raspberry Margarita. And I have to say it tasted like sweet victory. And yes to me this is a victory. I only had a 20% chance to clear this virus on my own. There was more of a chance that it would not go away and I bet it. I am one of the rare few who showed symptoms in the beginning and went on to rid myself of the virus. But all the research I read said that those who go to show symptoms during the acute phase are more likely to clear this with their own immune system. And I have to say that the research was right that I read.

The best news I have heard in a long time

2008-05-06T05:19:00.000-04:00

As of this moment I have cleared the virus. There is still a small chance that I it could still be there. The virus levels can fluctuate during the beginning of the infection so I go back again in two months for another check. But the chances of the next labs coming back bad are very low. So the way it stands right now I am clear of the virus and needless to say I am beyond thrilled. Thank you all so much who kept me in your thoughts. But I will also have to keep being checked for this once a year for years to come. But today I am happy!!!!!!

It's a good thing I don't carry a gun!

2008-05-05T07:49:00.002-04:00

A guy here at my work just called to say he would not be in today because his girlfriend just lost their baby. So I tell the foreman he won’t be in today and why. And what he said to me just put me over the edge. He said well that is too bad. What was her (referring to the girl pregnant) problem what did she do wrong. Needless to say I lit into him informing him that she did nothing wrong. And he had better never say that again. How are people so stupid that they would think she did something to cause this. I can’t stand people and how dumb they are. I just hope nobody says anything like that to him or her. And heaven help us if they do and I hear it. I just want to take some people out sometimes.

Dr. Today and K's 5th Birthday

2008-05-05T05:40:00.001-04:00

As you could see from no update I do not know anything yet. I did call the Dr. Office Wed. but they would not tell me anything other then yes my labs are back. They would not tell me what they said. I did not get the same girl on the phone. And the one I did get would not tell me anything. So I go back to the Dr. today at 2:30 and will know my fate. I am not feeling to hopeful but have my fingers crossed for good news. So needless to day today is going to go by very slow.

But on a good note Kirstin turned 5 yesterday!!!! I just can not believe that she has been here 5 years. On Saturday we had her Birthday party. I went really small this year. I had it at my mothers house since if I were to have it at mine it would have had to been huge. See if my neighbors see that I am having her a birthday part and do not invite them they will get insulted. And my neighbors have tones of kids. Just between 5 houses there are 16 kids. Then you add in the one’s she wanted to invite from school and her 5 cousins and look how many kids I would have had at my house. There would have been around 26 kids had I held it at my house. So this year we did it at my moms and only had 8 kids there. How nice that was.

Then Saturday night K and I went to the live taping of the finaly of the D.is-ney Cha.nel Games. And she got to see all of her favorite bands. There was the J-on.as Bro-ther.s, Mil.e-y C.yr.us / Ha.na Mo-nta.na, Che.et.ah Gi.rls and some othersI did not know who they were. We had such a great time. And to see the look on her face when the people came onto stage was just priceless. I know need to see when the show airs because there is a chance that we could be on TV cheering in the crowd. So needless to say she had one great 5th Birthday. Now next month on to G’s 2nd birthday.

So wish me luck today at 2:30 for good news.

One part of my labs are good

2008-04-29T05:17:00.000-04:00

So I only have half of an update here. I went to the Doctor last week and he agreed with what I had in mind. To go ahead and run my labs again and if I still have a viral load to start treatments. I called yesterday to see if my labs had come in yet. Only half had come in. The part that is back right now is my liver functions and they are all ok. So that is good news I did not get any liver damage from how sick I got and my liver is doing fine now. I will have to call them back about the rest. The other test could take up to a week so I will wait to call them Thursday. Or I will try Wed. if I just can’t hold out until Thursday. All this waiting is just making me nuts. And I want so badly for the other test to come back fine. But again I am trying not to get my hopes up to much. But a little hope is creeping in. Keep you fingers and toes crossed for me.

I have been tagged

2008-04-22T06:04:00.002-04:00

I have been tagged by Carole “The Journey From Here”. So here are the rules.

The rules:
1. Link to the tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some weird, some random.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. Lastly, let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1.I love to color and I am very protective about my coloring books. In no way is anybody else allowed to color in my coloring books. I hide them and only take them out when no kids are around. If one of the kids does get a hold of one of my coloring books I just give it to them. It drives me insane to have a picture in my book that is not colored just right.

2.When I was younger I worked for Mc.Don-alds. And to this day that is still my most favorite job. I worked there for 6 years! If it had a better future I would have stayed there. And when I tell most people this they just look at me like I am crazy.

3.I sing and I really can sing I am not one of those people you see on A*meri=can I.do-l that have no clue. My problem is I won’t sing in front of people unless they are drunk so that leaves me only singing in a bar at karaoke. People have tried to get me to sing other places I just won’t do it. I guess you can say I have a little bit of stage fright but the drunks don’t scare me.

4.I love scary movies. If given a choice to see a chick flick or a scary movie the scary movie has got my vote. There is just something about getting your adrenaline going.

5.Same goes for Roller Coasters. I love them and just can’t get enough of them. If I were to ever win the lotto I would go on a world trip to ride every Roller Coaster there is. Again there is that adrenaline thing.

6.I was in the Marching Band. I play the Trumpet. I have not pulled it out in years so not to sure how good I sound now. But I was pretty good back in the day.

7.I want to go back to school to be a Genetics Counselor. After losing Emma and doing all the research once I found out about Tom’s chromosome disorder I found all the research very interesting. Also I would get to Counsel people who are in the same situation I was in. And I know I would have loved for the person counseling me to really understand what I was going though. They could only imagine how hard all of this was on me.

I’m Tagging:
Nobie
Artblog
Aurelia
Lily
Kim
Me
Neko

Isn't she beautiful

2008-04-16T05:37:00.001-04:00

The good The bad and The ugly

2008-04-15T13:56:00.001-04:00

I have been in a pretty low place lately for the most part. There are some days I feel good and hopeful about everything. But then most days I don’t. I am so scared to get my hopes up for good results the next time the Dr. runs my labs. I know from my past what it is like to believe that everything is going to be ok then you just get knocked on your ass. So I no longer try and have such a good out look. I know not a good way to be. But I always prepare for the worst now. That way if it is bad news I am not so devastated. And if it is good news then I get to be extra happy. So here I have sat for the last 4-1/2 weeks having no clue what is going on with me health wise. Very nerve racking.

As for Tom and I we had another big blow up last night. Once again he started to pack his bags but once again he did not leave. He called today and said he was for sure going to get the counseling scheduled but we will see. He has been saying this for a while now and nothing has happened. He also tried to make me feel guilty last night and told me he was going to live in his truck. I could not help myself but I laughed. I told him that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

The kids are doing great. I need to bring it to work but Kirstin had her graduation (that is from pre-school) pictures done and it turned out so good. And it took my breath away when I seen it. She in no way looks like a 4 year old. Where in the world has my baby gone? She will be 5 years old next month how could it be 5 years already. And I am not saying this just to say it but it really does still feel like yesterday that I gave birth to her. I can still remember ever little detail of her birth and 5 days leading up to it when my water broke. To think this beautiful little girl was once a 3lb preemie and look how great she is doing. You would have clue about her ruff start just by looking and talking to her. How proud I am of her.

Then we have the bulldozer Gavin. This boy is ALL BOY!!!! He is ruff, loud, dirty and loves anything with an engine (ie: cars, trucks heavy equip.). If I send him in the back yard to play I have to hose him off before he comes back inside. I am really not sure how he gets so dirty back there. But he finds a way. He is still amazing me on how well he can speak. Not only with the clarity of his words but the fact that he has been speaking sentences for a while now. Once again I find it hard to believe that he will be two this June 1st. Can I please stop time for just a little bit!

So that is all that has been going on around her lately not much just trying to keep myself sane while doing all this waiting around. I go back to the Doctor April 23rd. Lots to discuses with him. So if you all could please continue to keep me in your thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.

Willing to meet the Dr. half way

2008-03-31T05:51:00.000-04:00

So I have come to a decision on what to do about my Dr. I am going to wait until my appt. on the 23rd to talk to him. That will only be a month and half since my last lab work. I will tell him I will meet him half way. He wants to wait 3 months but I am willing to wait the month and a half. I will tell him to do my labs again on the 23rd. If my viral load is going down at that point I will wait the rest of the 3 months. But if the lab work comes back showing an increase I will tell him I want to start treatment now. But if he is not willing to meet half way then I guess I will need to start looking for a new Dr. The only problem I have with that is by the time I have a new Dr. and get in to see them and get my new labs back I will probably be at the 3 month mark. So that little bit right there has me also going back a forth on looking for the new Dr. This all just sucks so badly. But to be honest I don’t see why the Dr. would not meet me half way.

And I don’t know why but I have a really good feeling that my next labs are going to come back pretty good. I just hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment. It is just so hard to not get my hopes up when I read all the research about clearing this thing on my own. I meet all the specs on people who have cleared it on their own. I mean not all do but most of the people who got as bad as I did during the acute phase of this disease had spontaneous clearance. So why couldn’t I be one of those people. It is just driving me crazy to not have any new lab work and know for sure what the hell is going on with my body. It is a damn good thing this Dr. is out of town or I would be driving him up the wall.

The not knowing really is the hardest part of all of this. I mean I feel great now but that really dose not mean a damn thing. With this stupid thing you can feel great and still have the disease. This thing eats at your body slowly and you have no clue you are even sick. I was just a small percentage of people who got lucky enough to have sings when it all started. Most are not that lucky and have no clue they have this virus eating away at them. I am truly lucky to have gotten so sick and catch it when I did. But I also wonder sometimes if knowing is worse then not knowing.

Don't know what to do

2008-03-26T08:10:00.002-04:00

Last week my Dr. was already to start me right up with treatment. This week he has changed his mind and I am not sure how comfortable I am with his new decision. He now wants to wait 3 months to see if by some chance I clear this on my own. And yes I do know there is a small chance for that. But also with the research I have read the sooner we start while I am acute the better my chances of clearing this.

I have also read research that says because I am female, under 40 and went as far to show severe jaundice (billiruban level of 6.9) that my chance of spontaneous clarence is even a little higher. But I am feeling why take the chance because if I don’t clear it on my own then my chances of clearing this at all are lowered. I am just not sure what to do with his new decision. I have a follow up appt. with him to discuss all of this on April 23rd. He is going out of town and this is the soonest I could get in.

Should I just wait until April 23rd to talk with him or start looking for a new doctor? I mean on one hand I really don’t want to take the treatments unless I really have to. But I also don’t want to wait to long and take the chance of lowering my clearance chances. I mean right now I only have a really low viral load. That I think would put me at a great chance to kick this thing. And I did want the doctor to check my labs one more time before we started treatments just to make sure I did not clear this by some chance. But I don’t think I want to wait it out for 3 months.

I am really confused and have so much just swirling around in my head.

I am now in pushy patient mode

2008-03-24T05:53:00.000-04:00

I have decided that today I am going to call my Doctor and have him run my labs again before we start treatment. There is a chance that my body could clear this virus on it’s own. The chance is small but it is there. So before I go sticking my self with a needle I want to make sure we really have to do it.

They told me it could take up to a month to get my meds it all depends on how friendly my insurance company is. They told me most of the time the insurance company gives them a hard time and they have to jump through hoops to get the meds. I also have questions about the meds.

The meds have to be kept cold and they mail these meds to you. So what happens when they deliver the meds while I work and the box sits out all day in the Florida sun. So I need to see if I can have them shipped to my work or to my mother’s house where somebody is home all day.

I have a feeling I am going to drive these doctors crazy. I am not one just to sit back and let them make all the calls. I am very proactive when it comes to my health and I will question them on things and let them know what I think is best for me. After doing tons of research I already know more then the Doctors nurse practitioner. I told him to never have her speak to me again she is just an idiot. She would tell me something so wrong and I would correct and she would argue with me. Then the Doctor came in and confirmed I was right on everything I had said and she was wrong. She had better go back to school because she is about to get schooled by me. The stupid patient who knows more then she does. Maybe I should ask for her job.

So when the Doctor’s office opens at 9:00am I will start my calling. And the Dr. had better call me back fast or I will drive them up the wall.

Things are not good at all

2008-03-20T20:45:00.002-04:00

The news my Dr. gave me today was not good. I have a blood disease and not only will I have to now see a hematologist but I will also have to do 6 months of a Chemo treatment to try and clear this virus from my blood. The treatment has some really bad side effects that could be so bad it could put me bed ridden during treatment and this really scares me. So thank you so much to those of you that have kept me in your thoughts and prays and could you please continue to do so. There is a chance that the treatment won’t work and I really don’t know what they would do at that point. I am scared and tired and don’t know who much more I can take.

Happy Easter

2008-03-19T05:24:00.003-04:00

My post have been such downers for so long now. How about a happy post with a picture. I took the Kids Monday night to see the Easter Bunny. I have to say I really love the picture. It is a really good picture of both kids. I just wish K would have been sitting up straight. But other then that the picture is great. And I have to say I have two beautiful children.

Don't know how much more I can take

2008-03-17T05:37:00.001-04:00

So this waiting until Thursday to see the Dr. is just killing. I want to know right now what in the hell is going on with me. I have good days and bad days with all of this. There are some days I just start thinking I am dieing and I get very depressed thinking about that and my children. I mean if something is really bad wrong with me I worry the most about my children. Just the thought of not being here to watch them grow up just sends me into a tail spin that is hard to get out of.

And sad to say Tom has not been a big help at all though all of this. One day he is super nice then the next right back to his same old self. Two times now he has started packing his bags and I did nothing to stop him. But he always backs out and stops packing. I told him yesterday after he started packing again that I would be better off dealing with all of this with out him. I don’t need his shit on top of all of this. I could have just knocked him out yesterday. He started his shit and I left and went to Target just to get away from him for a little bit. He calls me and says you need to come home and get the kids I am leaving. So I rush home to find both kids crying. I kneel down and ask K what is wrong. She tells me that Daddy is leaving and since you are not here he is going to leave us home alone. I think my head spun when she told me this. Why in the world would he say things like that to a 4-1/2 and 1-1/2 year old. What the hell is wrong with this man.

He then proceeds to say things once again right in front of the kids. I send them both outside to play and tell him once again there will never be a chance for us to fix things if he does not stop involving the children like this. I told him to quite pushing me or he would really regret more then he already does. So what does he do again right in front of K. He says I am not pushing anything. If I was pushing you then we would be in bed fucking the shit of each other. Again what the hell is going though his head. I wish I owned a cattle prod because I would just lay him out every time he said some stupid shit in front of the children. Then maybe he would learn to keep his mouth shut with them around.

I really don’t know how much more my mind can take with everything that is going on. I tried to tell him that right now I just need to focus on myself and find out what is going on with my health. I am not trying to get my hopes up to high but I have my fingers crossed that I just had some sort of Viral Hepatitis and the Virus has left and now I am all better. Because all Hepatitis means is that your liver is inflamed and some Viruses can cause that. Then my next hope is if that is the case that it did not cause any permanent damage to my liver. And now I just have to keep myself sane until my Dr. Thursday.

Things seem to be worse then thought

2008-03-13T05:34:00.002-04:00

So things with me have gone from bad to worse. The hospital referred me to a Gastro. Dr.. I now have the Gastro. Dr. confused from the results of my blood work from the hospital. He is not totally convinced I have hepatitis but there is something wrong with me. My Bilirubin, AST and ALT levels were way to high he said to be hepatitis. He said there is something wrong with me he just is not sure what is wrong. I went Monday and had 15 tubs of blood taken for him to run about 20 different test. He is trying to rule out just about everything. I have to say this has me very scared. I spent most of Monday thinking I am going to die. Let me just show how bad my levels came back from the hospital lab report.

Bilirubin 6.9 critical Normal Range 0.4 to 2.0
AST 895 critical Normal Range 14 to 32
ALT 2895 critical Normal Range 12 to 51

ALT is an insime your liver puts out when there is significant damage going on. He said even with patients with hepatitis these levels do not normally get this high.

So if you all could just keep me in your thoughts. I do not go back to the Gastro. Dr. until next Thursday. He hopes at that point all of my blood work will be back and he will know something. Some of the test he has done could take a week or two but he is hoping that all of them will be back at that point. But on one good note I am feeling so much better and my jaundice seems like it has gone away.

I have been very sick

2008-03-05T13:46:00.002-05:00

So that last couple of weeks I have been feeling pretty bad and getting worse. There were things going on with me that I was just ignoring. But deep down I knew that it was because of something bigger then I chose to imagine. And after googling my symptoms I was pretty sure what I had but keep thinking there is no way. Finally Monday night I took myself to the ER. And just like Dr. Google said I had what I keept saying there is no way. And what I have is Hepatitis A. And some of you say how do you get this. Well I have come in contact with contaminated fecal matter. I had to talk with the CDC (Center for Disease Control). And it is most likely that I contracted this from my job.

See I work for a Walt Disney World Mechanical Contractor. One of the major things we do is work in Sump Pits / Lift Stations. And for those of you who do not know what those two things are let me explain. A Sump pit or lift station is where the waste goes when you flush a toilet. And yes our guys work down in those things while people are flushing away and all the waste is spilling right on them. Well as for our guys in the field we make sure that all their Vaccines are up to date and if not we send them to get Vaccines. But we don’t send the office staff (well until now). It is believed that somebody working in one of those pits did not wash their hands to well. And at some point I touched what ever they touched (ie: door knob). At that point I was contaminated which of course I would have no clue about. And at some point after touching what ever it was they touched I then some how came into oral contact with the contamination. Could have been covering my mouth to cough then licking my lips or picking up a sandwich I was eating and at that point contaminating my sandwich which I then ate.

I have been pretty ill from this. But I will say it is a good way to lose weight. I have not had appetite, have abdominal pain and have been nauses for almost two weeks now. So not much eating going on here. I have extreme fatigue and I am Jaundice. So I glow in the dark lol my eyes and skin are pretty yellow. But I have never felt so bad in my life. And all these symptoms could last any where from two weeks to 8 weeks. How lovely is that.

I now have to go the Doctor every week and have my liver functions checked until this has ran it’s course. And if I get to Jaundice or my liver functions get to bad they will put me in the hospital. So please all wish me luck that this runs it’s course quickly. I don’t want to be one of the people that it takes months and months to get over.

Halloween

2007-11-01T07:20:00.000-04:00

We had a good Halloween yesterday. Gavin did not really care too much for his costume so I did not get really good pictures of him. As you will see it was a fight to even get the pictures. I only have one of him smiling. And Kirstin would not hold still so her head is cut off in on of the pics. But at least I got some pictures. My work loaned me the digital since I still don’t have mine back yet. So for your viewing pleasure here is T.ink.er Be.ll and D-on.ald Du.ck.

Gavin's fine but mommy had a hard day

2007-10-31T05:06:00.001-04:00

All in all yesterday’s appt. went really well. The doctor told me that he is fine at the moment but wants to see him back in two years. Yes two years. Now I will have to remember to make that appt. two years from now. The doctor was concerned with his right tactical. He told me that the (I don’t know what you would call it but I will call it the string) string that connects to his right tactical feels a little short. And that as he gets taller this could cause his right side to not stay down and go back up. So two years from now they want to make sure that this does not happen. So all in all pretty good news nothing to worry about at the moment. He did tell me though that if this happened that he would need surgery to correct that. So let’s just hope that does not happen.

What sucked about the appt. is a little strange. Why I say strange is because the weirdest things bother me. The office were I had to take Gavin used to be one of the office’s in the OB/GYN practice I use. They have about 6 offices. The only time I ever had to go to that office was when I was 12 weeks PG with Emma for a u/s the week before I got my cerclage. This fact bothered me so bad. At one point I almost broke down into tears. Just walking though that door made me remember how excited I was that day to see my baby again. The baby I would never get to keep. I still remember that u/s so well. She was moving all over the place and the tech told me she looked great. How that haunts me to this day. I know it was just a check to make sure baby was still alive before they put me though an unnecessary surgery. But if only she would have done more the just take a quick peek at her at that point maybe they would have seen how sick she was. All they did that day was measure her crown to rump length and make sure she was still alive. Little did I know at that time how things would turn out. I left that office that day happy as I could have ever been. And now to be in that office again only brought me pain and sadness. I hope that two years from now that this urologist will be in a different location because honestly I don’t want to have to go in there again.

Today is the day

2007-10-30T05:05:00.000-04:00

Gavin goes to the urologist today. I have my fingers crossed for good news that he won’t need any surgery. I would hate for that to be the case. Also poor G right now has some serious diaper rash. He has had bad diarrhea and it is just tearing his little butt up. I called the Doctor yesterday and she called me in a prescription but they have to make it so I won’t get it until today. Poor little guys butt was bleeding at one point it is so bad. I have tired everything over the counter but nothing seems to be clearing it up.

And I have to shout I am so happy with myself right now. I now own 8 pairs of pants and shorts in a size 6. Can you believe that a size 6. I don’t think I was even that small in high school. I am just so proud of myself. People are now telling me I need to stay right were I am at and not lose more weight. But I still feel like 5 or 10 more lbs would not hurt. I am in no ways under weight. If I ever get a working camera back I will take a picture and see what you all have to say. You people who read my blog don’t know me in person so you would have no need to lie to me. I think you would be honest with me and tell what you think.

As for said camera we did get it back but it still did not work. So we took it back again and asked them next to not give it back until it worked or to give us a new one. So the store sent it back to Kodak again. I think it should be back sometime next week. So I have to get a throw away or some film for my reg camera to take Halloween pictures.

So wish us luck to day that all goes well at G’s appts.

Feeling pretty good today

2007-10-11T05:33:00.000-04:00

Well after being up 38 hours (well I did catch 1-1/2 hour’s worth of sleep yesterday between the night work and my day time work) I finally got to bed about 5:30pm yesterday. Needless to say I did not wake up until my alarm went off this morning. That is ware for me. I don’t sleep well so usually I am up starting any were from 1:30am to 3:00am. It is not too often I sleep to 4:00am when my alarm goes off. But I do feel refreshed this morning. And it’s a good thing since I have to also work my second job tonight waiting tables. Just waiting for the day I can stop all this craziness.

But one good thing is coming out of all of this other then the extra money. I am down 2 more lbs. And since the extra work I am doing now if physical I am also using mussels I have not used in a long time and I am starting to tighten up in all kinds of places. I have to say, which you would have never heard me say this before but I am starting to look good. It has been so long since I have felt good about the way I look. It feels nice to look in the mirror now and think wow I don’t look that bad. You might even catch me in a two piece if I have the need to wear a bathing suite. And it has been years since I would even consider wearing a two piece. Also feels so good to be able to buy size 8 pants. My goal is to get into a size 6 but I have not wore a size 6 since high school so I really doubt that will happen but a girl can dream can’t she. And if it never happens I am ok with that I am just happy that I got down to a size 8. Now to stay there will be the next battle.

Also it was nice to see my big check. Although I had the money spent even before it was written but the good thing is that it is another bill gone. So maybe this year we can do something fun with our tax return and not have to use it to pay off something. Life really does suck when you’re broke and living on the edge like we have been the last couple of years. Money does not make you happy but when you’re broke it sure can depress you.

Time to lock the Doggie Door

2007-10-08T08:09:00.000-04:00

So Little Mr. G has learned that he can crawl out the doggie door. Friday I was getting K ready for school when she announced to me that G was in the backyard. So I go over to the sliding glass door to see my little boy with his hands in the air turning in circles smiling from ear to ear playing in the rain. It really was just too funny. He was having such a good time. That is until I opened the door and brought him back into the house. So yes we now have to keep the doggie door locked and remember to let the dog out every so often when G is home. K did this little trick too when she was little but it took her a little longer to realize she could go out the doggie door. And all though it is frustrating to have to worry about him getting out. It is very funny when he does. He is just so proud of himself. He got out on Tom Yesterday while I was out getting his Halloween Costume.

Speaking of Halloween Costumes this kids are going to be so cute. K is going to be Tink.er B-ell and G is going to be Don.ald Du.ck. I can’t wait to see them both all dressed up. I know when G is older he is going to kill me with these costumes I get for him. Last year I dressed him up as Chi.cken Li.ttle. I guess I have some kind of bird theme going on with him.lol

I am going to be dead tired again this week. Tomorrow I am going to pull the same kind of shift I did last week. Work all day tomorrow and all night then again all day. I just can’t beat the money I make when I do this. I am hoping to be able to do this once a week until we get all caught up. And how nice will it be once we are all caught up and I can work just one job.

Working Hard

2007-10-03T05:44:00.000-04:00

Wow have I been busy. That is working my butt off. My second job scheduled me for 3 days last week. I usually only work Thursday and Friday night. But they had a few people taking some time off and needed my help on Saturday also. So only one day off Sunday. Then when I was at work Monday they asked if I could help them out in the field that night. So I worked in the office all day Monday then all night in the field Monday night. Then in the office all day again yesterday. When I got home yesterday I had been up since 4:00am Monday morning. Needless to say I was beat and went to bed a 5:00pm yesterday. The only good thing about all of this is that we need the money so bad right now. And since I make a pretty good hourly wage the overtime wage is awesome. Can’t wait to get my check next week with all this over time on it.

With my second income I have already paid off a couple of bills and I also get K’s after school paid for out of that. Her after school is expensive in my opinion. It is $50.00 per week. So that comes out to $200.00 or $250.00 per month if it is a 5 week month.

My next goal is to start buying Christmas. I will not charge Christmas this year. Cash only and I will not spend as much as I did last year. We went way over board last year. But last year K really wanted a car so we went ahead and got her the princess car that she wanted. And I will say it was worth the money she just loves that thing. I am just glad her driving skills have improved since the first time she drove it. Her first day out in that thing she ran into a wall. lol

So here I am back at work this morning and really wanting to go back to bed. So speaking of work I guess I had better get back to work and get some shit done.

Hey Orlando

2007-09-26T05:07:00.000-04:00

I see you are on again. And yes I am up this early and at work already. I guess you don't want to say hello. I am just wondering who you are since you have spent so much time on my blog. Makes me wonder if I know who you are since you are some what close to my area.

Hey you

2007-09-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

From Orlando could you please delurk.
I see you are still there. I don't bite.

No time to paly

2007-09-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

Wow have I been busy this week. Work is a little crazy which means I don’t have as much time to read and write (or play how ever you want to put it) on the computer. But I have a minuet and thought I would take this time to make a little post.

First I want to pat myself on the back. I have dropped 9lbs in the last two weeks. This makes me so excited. I want to lose 20 to 25 total so I am on my way there. I have to admit that it really makes me feel good to see that scale drop. I am now back at the weight I was when I started trying for another child after Kirstin. When I got PG with Gavin I was 10lbs heavier since I had at that point already had two previous PGs back to back. And it feels good to finally get that last 10lbs off. Now onto the next 10lbs.

This last week I have been having one of what I call my off weeks. Those are the weeks that just creep up on me and I miss Emma more then ever. She has been on my mind so much the last few days. And to make matters worse Kirstin was screaming at me last night to take her to see Emma’s grave. When I told her it was too late and she was too far to go to this late she just began to cry. So of course that just really broke my heart. Here is my child wanting to go visit her sister and I can’t take her there at 8:00pm at night. It should not have to be this way. She should be here so Kirstin could have grown up with her. Instead she gets to ask me to take her to see her grave and hope that it is not to late at night. I’m pretty sure I know the answer but I have to ask it. Does this ever get any easier? I told her that we would go and visit her this weekend. And this time I will make sure to bring more flowers so that Kirstin can give flowers to all the other little babies.

Well my short little break is over and I must get back to work. I hope next week is not so busy but I doubt it with it being end of the quarter.

The monitor was bad

2007-09-18T05:45:00.001-04:00

Yes I have a bad monitor. I went this weekend and bought a new sugar monitor. I have taken about 5 readings on myself and Tom. My old monitor is off by about 13 points. But that still is putting Tom in the pre-diabetic range. And needless to say I am not surprised. My husband is very heavy and needs to lose about 90lbs if not a little more. I just wish I could get him to understand how serious his weight is. He could care less. I have been trying to get him to go the Doctor but he won’t go because he knows they will tell him to lose weight. I bet if he would lose at least 30lbs his sugar levels would improve. But I can’t make him go I just hope he wakes up to the fact that diabetes is not a good thing to have.

But I have to say just how thankful I am that Kirstin is ok. I got the numbers from her blood test and her fasting was 74!!! What a great number and her urine dip showed no sugar or kidney problems. So she is healthy but I will not have my parents go back to the way things were. Point blank she does not need all the sugar that she eats over there. And so far they have been doing better.

Now I have to get to Oct. 30th for Gavin’s appt. with the urologist. I still can’t believe how far away I had to make that appt. I just hope that after the first appt. that things can move along quickly. I just want this all done and over with and to find out what is going to happen.

Thank goodness

2007-09-12T13:45:00.001-04:00

I am breathing a little easier today. I just checked on K’s blood work and it came back normal. I now just want to find out what the number was exactly. I also think I just might need to get a new monitor. It gave Tom a very high fasting reading the other day also. So I wonder if the monitor is just off. I guess I will get a new one and take a few more fasting on Tom and see what we get. I also wonder if the numbers came back normal since we have already made some changes in her diet. Because that could be the case. I did tell my parents that if the numbers came back normal that they are to stick to the new diet changes. I know first hand that even if you have pre-diabetes and you change things in your diet you can get good sugar readings. So I really don’t want to take the chance and let things go back to the way they were.

But needless to say one weight has been lifted off of me today. There is still that small fear in the back about the readings I have been getting on her. But at least I know for now she is fine. And I will just have to keep a good watch over her. And that I will do because that is my job. To watch out for my children and do my best to make sure they are safe and healthy. And I must say even as scared as I am sometimes I would not trade this job for anything.

I can't stad waiting for answers

2007-09-11T06:07:00.000-04:00

I am just beside myself waiting on the results of K’s blood work from yesterday. I know with myself when they did blood work while I was PG the Doctor had the results in two days. So I told my husband that if we don’t here anything by Wed. I am calling the Doctor first thing Thursday morn.

I have been fighting guilt over all of this also. Like with everything else that has to do with my children I have been playing the blame game with myself. You know what I mean. If this test comes back bad I blame myself since I had GD. I keep saying well if I did not have GD then she would have been ok. Even though I know better then to blame myself I just can’t stop. I know there was a lot more then that for this to be a possibility. I mean we are both high risk anyway. Diabetes runs very high in my family and in Tom’s. There is Diabetes on both side of the family.

Then there is Gavin the soonest they can get me in is Oct. 30th with the urologist. If I wanted a Friday appt. (I am off on Friday so I try to make all doctors appts. on Friday) it would have been the end of November. I mean come on is there really that many children that need to see an urologist. Good thing this is not something that needs immediate attention. Although I do feel like it is something that should be taken care of quickly. And of course the only Children’s urologist is a 45 min. drive from my house so I will need to take most of the day off that day.

These two things have me so worried I just want to get them done and over with. All this waiting is making me crazy. I want to know all the answers now!!

I can't out run fear, it always seems to find me

2007-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

I tend not to write about things in hopes that they just don’t become an issue that I ever need to write or talk about. I have been having some concerns about Kirstin for a little bit that she might be having problems with her sugar levels. I spoke to her Doctor about it at her 4 year check up and she told me to keep an eye on it and bring her back if I needed to. Well I took her today to talk to the Doctor and get a scrip to have some blood work done. We go Monday morning for a fasting blood sugar and a urine dip. I hope with all my heart that it all comes back fine but I don’t see that happening.

See for the last week I have started testing her sugar levels at home with my monitor. She has not been in the diabetic range but the pre-diabetic range which is still not good. The only good thing is if she is pre-diabetic there is a good chance we can get a handle on this and maybe stop it in its track. But how hard is all of this going to be on her.

Personally I don’t feed her a lot of sweets and junk but everybody else does. I have been asking my parents for years now to stop letting her eat all that junk that she eats at their house. They have her a lot since they keep her while we work. Never once have they listened to me. But now that this has all come up they are finally willing to listen to me and make some changes at their house. And I some what hold them accountable for some of this. For example last week I go there to pick up the kids and my mom tells me “they are probably not hungry they have been eating cookies all afternoon.” I lost it on her, why does she let them do things like that. She knows better but yet she lets them gorge on sweets at her house. I have watched my father walk up to them at 7:00am when they are dropped off and give them candy or cookies. Why has this even had to be a fight with them? I made the decision to tell them that if at any point from here on out they are not willing to work with me on this they can no longer keep my children. This is serious and I hope they realize how serious this is.

Then there is Gavin. I have written once in the past about his testicals not coming all the way down. His doctor wanted to give it until his 15 months check up. Well we also had his 15 month check up today and we got a referral to see a urologist. I am just hoping with all hope that he will not have to have surgery.

This all makes me so sad and angry. I have already had to fight my ass off to get these kids here shouldn’t I get a free pass on their health. Why can’t it just be easy for once? I don’t want my kids to have any kind of problems. I want them to be healthy and not have to worry. It seems that the fear I had while trying to get them hear healthy does not get to leave. But now I just get to fear what might be. It seems I always have something to be afraid of and I am just tired of being afraid.

I just don't get it

2007-09-06T05:58:00.000-04:00

I listen to the news in my car as I drive home from work. The leading story was of a two year old little girl who died because her mother left her in the car. Her mother said she forgot to take her to daycare and forgot she was in the car. She went into to work and two hours later remembered that she was in the car.

Now I just don’t get it, how do you forget your child is in the car much less to drop them off at daycare. I mean come on I bet she did not forget to take her purse in with her. Or her briefcase or laptop if she had one. So how do you forget your child is in the car?

Never once have I strapped my child or anybody else’s child in my car and forgot they were in there. And I know first hand that most two year olds are not sitting back there quite. I just don’t get it. And it really makes me sick that people even use this excuse when this happens.

So if anybody and educate me out there can somebody tell me how in the hell you forget your child is in the car.

Just can't get ahead

2007-09-04T06:41:00.000-04:00

I give up trying to get ahead. I took this second job to try and get us ahead on bills but they just keep coming and coming. This weekend was so expensive. First the dog got sick. It sounded like her had Kennel cough. So Saturday we took him to the vet. They told us it could either be kennel cough or heart worms but they had no way of knowing unless they did X-rays and blood work. So $400.00 dollars later they told us he had a doggy cold. Can you believe $400.00 to be told he had a doggie cold. That just made me sick.

Then Gavin woke up about 10:00pm Saturday night and was just burning up. I took his temp and it was 105. So we took him to the after hours pediatrics. One $50.00 dollar copay later we were told her had a double ear infection. As of last night he was still holding his ears and running a very high fever. So today he will go to the Doctor again. They will probably have to change the meds he is on since I don’t think they are working.

So $450.00 out the door in one day! How in the world are we ever going to catch up when things like this keep happening. It is all just so frustrating!

So as soon as the Doctor opens this morning I have to call and get Gavin in and see what they have to say this time.

They remind me everyday why I fought for them

2007-08-29T06:20:00.000-04:00

Let the fun begin!! Gavin has found that hitting his sister can be fun. He does not hit hard enough to hurt her so it takes all I have not to laugh when it happens. It is so hard to discipline while trying not to laugh. And so the fighting begins with the kids. I never thought it would have started this early. I mean he will only be 15 months on the 1st. And last night he was out to get her.

It started when he had a board in his hand, he raised it to hit her and Tom took the board from him and told him no hit. Kirstin moved to the other side of the room beside me and he came after her with his hand in the air ready to slap her. I grabbed his hand and told him no but he was bound and determined he was going to get her. So after about 5 more attempts to get at her I picked him up so she could move. He was then slapping at the air at her. It was actually very comical. I finally let him down and he went after her again. Not to sure why he has all the sudden he has decided that hitting his sister is a fun thing to do. But even though it is comical I have to find a way to put a stop to it.

And speaking of Kirstin she cut her hair at school. Why do kids do this? I picked her up from school last Friday and next thing I know her teacher is chasing me out to the car. She said “I forgot to tell you that I found Kirstin and another little girl cutting their hair today”. She then handed me a baggie with Kirstin’s hair in it. So Kirstin now has some very uneven layers in her hair. And what stinks about this is she did this about a year ago and her hair was finally one length again.

And what I find even funnier about all this craziness with my kids is that I love it!! They make me realize everyday how lucky I am to have them. And why I fought so hard to get them here. While I was trying to make my family I was told by more then one person I should just stop. They all thought I was crazy for putting myself though so much hell. But if I would have stopped trying I would have not ended up with these two amazing children.

I Rock

2007-08-22T13:54:00.001-04:00

Artblog has nominated me as a Rockin Girl Blogger. I am touched that she finds me a Rockin Girl Blogger. She and I do have a lot of things in common in our lives.

Now I have to choose Five other Rockin Girl Bloggers. This I find very hard to choose just 5 on. Not only do I have the blogs I read in my links but there are others not linked that I also read. Sooo……….

Missing_One at “A Mending Heart” I nominate her as a Rockin Girl Blogger for her honesty in her writing. She puts herself out there for us to see the real person she is. And the real hurt she is feeling. When reading her blog I feel as if I can really get a since of who she is.

Carole at “The Journey From Here” I nominate her as a Rocking Girl Blogger because I admire her sprit. I read her blog and I am just amazed at how at peace she is. I log to be as at peace as she is one day. Her acceptance of what she has gone though makes me believe that one day it will happen for me.

Kate at “Nicolas’ Garden” I nominate her for her kindness and caring for others. You can see in her writing that she truly cares for people and will do her best to give them comfort in their time of need. Where she finds the time to do all that she does I will never know. And I just love how beautiful her garden is.

Rosepetal at “Moksha” I nominate her for her honesty in her writing also. She is truly a strong and lovely person. I also feel a certain connection with her. We too have some things in common and that puts her in a special place in my heart.

Rachd at “Life with Hannah and Lilly” I nominate her and she has no clue I even read her blog. Not sure why I have never commented to her before just one of those things I guess. But I find inspiration her in blog. She has just recently lost her much loved daughter but she is still able to find sparkles. (if you don’t understand the sparkles you will have to read her blog)

All of these people inspire me. And there are so many more of you I could also nominate.

I have been crazy busy and my dad is better

2007-08-21T13:07:00.000-04:00

I tried to update sooner but things have been a little crazy the last few days. Of course we have the normal stuff my two jobs, taking care of house and kids. Then we also had the first day of school this Monday the 20th so I have been running around trying to get everything for that. And last Friday the 17th was meet the teacher day. I spent most of Saturday in the ER. Gavin knocked he head on the coffee table and with in seconds he had an egg on his forehead. So I took him to the ER to make sure he did not do any damage. It was also his nap time and I was afraid to put him down after that. But after a few different doctors looking at him and a C.a.t S.ca.n they declared him normal. The only reason they did a C.a.t. S.ca.n was because of his age. He was acting fine but because he is under two and his skull has not hardened completely they made sure he did not crack it. And on Sunday since it was the last day before school we took the kids to U.niver.sal St.udio.s to play for a little bit. We figured Kirstin could have one last fun day before summer was all over. I did take some pictures that I will have to post once I get them developed.

And I was off yesterday from work but I had so much to do at home it was not even funny. Thankfully Gavin took a 3 hour nap and with Kirstin at school I got just about everything done!

So an update on my dad. After a few days he seemed to come to his senses. He is back to doing what he should do and trying to take care of himself and he is eating again. He has decided to go and have a bi.op.sy done. I just hope that turns out well. He is now on Oxygen 24/7 now but if he does what he is supposed to the doctor said he still has a good few years left in him. That is if nothing else happens like getting cancer or anything. So fingers crossed for the bi.op.sy. This has all been such a relief to me that he has stopped being so foolish. Thank you all so much who kept him in your thoughts. It does mean a lot to me. Now we just need to keep him in the frame of mind he is in right now.

Well I had best get back to work. I came in today after having Monday off. And it looked like my desk had exploded so I have been playing catch all day so far. This is why I can’t take a whole week at a time off. Nobody knows how to do my work so they just pile it up on my desk. It is nice to have the job security but it would also be nice to know that if I want to take a week off I could.

My Father please keep him in your thoughts

2007-08-15T10:08:00.000-04:00

It is looking as if my Father is just going to give up. As of yesterday he has stopped taking all of his medications, his breathing treatments and refuses to eat. He has asked everybody to just leave him only. He won’t talk to anybody not even when people call to talk with him. He refuses to call and or see any more doctors. I am just at a loss. I know he is sick and maybe he is just ready for it all to be done with but to watch him just give up I can’t do that.

My mother called me this morning and asked me how you get somebody to eat. I told her you can’t. The only thing I can come up is I told my mother to have him Bak.er Act.ed. I told her to call 911 and tell them that he is no longer able to make decisions for his self and have him Bak.er Act.ed. That is the only thing I can come up with that we might be able to get him to see his doctors, take his medications and eat.

I really feel that if the no.du.le they found is not cancer then if he does what he is supposed to he has some life left in him. How do you just sit and watch somebody give up and let them die. I can’t do this but I don’t know what I can do about it.

Why does it have to be this way? I mean I know he is going to die but to sit and do nothing I just can’t.

He is complaining again of the same symptoms that put him in the hospital last week but refused to go back to the hospital. They let him out late Monday night I wish they would have kept him a little longer. I wish they would have kept him and at least did a bi.op.sy on the no.du.le they found. At least that way it would have gotten done and we would know for sure.

My heart is breaking I just can’t do this. I just can’t watch him do this to his self. And I am angry because I don’t know what to do and I think I am just going to have to watch him die. I am just so lost, I can’t do this.

It seems that My Birthday ='s Bad Things

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

So Yesterday was my Birthday and I ate so much junk! I had brought salad for my lunch yesterday and had planed on trying to start eating better to drop the 10lbs I want to lose. But since it was my Birthday my Boss took me to lunch and I ate a huge hamburger and then had cake back at the office. And let’s just say I ate more the one piece. Then after dinner at home Tom and Kirstin pulled out and Ice Cream Cake so I had a huge piece of that also. So I believe that yesterday I had all the fat and calories that I need for the week.

I did a first this weekend for myself I actually spent my Birthday gift cards on myself. Usually I feel bad buying for myself and end up buying for the kids. But this year I forced myself to spend the money on me. I did have some guilt but it was nice to get some new clothes. I don’t know why I have such a hard time spending on myself but I always feel like I have done something wrong when I do.

I guess my Birthday was as good as it could be. My birthdays always seem to have something go wrong on or around them. In 2002 it was finding out my First baby was dead on my Birthday. In 2003 my house got broke into on the night of my Birthday. In 2004 it was Hur.ric.ane Ch.ar.lie. Then in 2005 it was giving birth to Emma 9 days before my Birthday. And last year I was still so upset from Emma’s first year since she had been gone I could care less. And this year it was my father being in the hospital.

Those of you have read my blog since I had the other one know my father is not well. He got put in the hospital last Friday. He was pretty bad off and was placed in the progressive care unit. While he was there they of course ran all kinds of test on him. He was informed yesterday that they found in area in his neck by his ear that might be Ca.nc.er. So he now has to go and have a bi.op.sy done on the no.dul.e that they found. If it is cancer he can not have any surgery done on him because of his Im.phy.sema and I know that my father will opt not to have any kind of Ch.e.mo or Ra.d.ati.on Treatment. So we must now cross our fingers and hope that is not C.an.cer. But my gut tells me to be ready for not so good news. But this also means that my father has to follow though and go and see the Doctor to get a Bi.op.sy. And one thing my father is bad about is going to the Doctor and Following though. He has the attitude that if it is cancer there is nothing that can be done so why waste his time going to the Doctor. So I guess we will have to see what he does.

So one more Birthday down on year older and one more bad thing to remember on my Birthday. I think we should just take my Birthday off the calendar.

And my BF takes my breath away

2007-08-09T08:53:00.000-04:00

I received a gift my Best Friend yesterday. And this gift shows first hand why I have held her so near and dear to my heart for so long. But first let me give you a little back ground to her gift before I tell you what it is.

When Emma passed away I told her the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that she just might be up there with her mother. My Best Friend’s mother passed away due to ca.n.cer. At Emma’s viewing she and I were sitting with Emma and she pulled an angel pin out of her pocket. She handed me the pen and told me she got this for Emma so that her mother could find her. They also pinned one of these on her mother’s clothes. And to this day it gives me comfort thinking that her mother and Emma are together.

So yesterday I get a package in the mail. I think it is something for my birthday; she is so good about getting things mailed out for birthdays and such. Me not so good about that. But anyway, I open the packet and pull out a picture frame (it was upside down when I pulled it out so I could not see what was in it). I turn it over and it just took my breath away. It is a metal frame that says “Night Night, Sleep Tight” all the way around it. There is a place for 3 photos. In two of the spots for photos there is a picture of Emma, a picture of her mother and the third spot is blank with a note attached. The note reads “All Good Mothers take Care of Each others Children”. She also said she left the 3rd spot blank so I could choose what would go in there. And I have the perfect photo to put there. My mother just happen to take a picture right as my BF was putting the angel pin in my hand for Emma. So that is the picture that will go in the 3rd spot.

There are really not enough words to express to how much her gift means to me. I have yet to thank her because she is so very hard to get on the phone. And with a gift like this an e-mail or letter in my opinion is just not an option. I have to and want to thank her with words right from me. I have not tried her yet this morning because I need to be here alone at work. I know if I reach her I will start to cry and I really don’t want to do that here at work. I have had to stop writing this post a few times so that I don’t break down here at work.

I know I have promised pictures of things in the past and never got it done. But I am going to do my best to get the 3rd photo in the frame and take a picture of it to share.

And that last thing I have to say is if anybody has friends as good as she is to me please hold them close and let them know how much they are loved. People with great hearts and compassion are few and far between. So if you read this S before I get a hold of you I love you. Thank you for being my friend for all these years. And once again you have brought me to tears. If only there were more people like you in this world it would be a better place.

Getting older

2007-08-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

Monday is my Birthday. I will be 35 years old and honestly this does not bother me. Life goes by you get older that is just how it works. But every once in a while I hear something that makes me go Man you are old. This morning it was on my way to work. I was listening to the news and they were talking about the Sh.utt.le La.unch that is coming up. Once again they are sending a teacher into space. This teacher was the alternate for the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger.

So they then began to talk about the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger and the horrible accident. As the news anchor started talking about this she lead in with “it was 21 years ago that the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger exploded”. Once I heard that I said WOW I am getting old. It just does not seem like that could have been 21 years ago. I can still tell you what I was doing when it happened. I was in the 7th grade and our teacher had taken us to the Library so that we could watch the L.aun.ch on TV. But as soon as we seen that it had exploded we all ran outside and could see the falling debris. And honestly I still remember all of this like it was yesterday. It is funny how certain things stay so fresh in your memory.

Hearing things like that is what really make me realize my age. I know many people say this but I really don’t feel much older then I did when I was in my 20’s. I just look a little worse for wear. And I have to say the worse for wear look came on in the last 2 years. I attribute a lot of it to all the stress I went though.

So yeah 35 here I come and you don’t scare me one bit even if I am getting old.

Two years, Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

2007-08-06T07:18:00.000-04:00

I was going to post Saturday on Emma’s Birthday but I did not feel like it. I had trouble getting out of bed for two reasons. I did not get home from my second job until midnight and I just did not want to get out of bed and face the day. But I did finally get up and get moving. I got dressed and went and got some flowers for Emma’s Grave. Again Tom did not want to go to her grave with me but this year Kirstin did. So just Kirstin and myself went. Once again this little girl just amazed me.

We got to Emma’s grave and she bent down and rubbed her grave marker and said in the sweetest little voice. “Happy Birthday baby girl.” That was the end for me, the tears just started flowing. I was down on my knees rubbing her grave marker when Kirstin gave me the biggest hug. She then looked at me and said “I promise mommy me and Gavin won’t get sick and die”. Talk about heartbreak this kid just did me in. We then took one of Emma’s flowers and once again gave one to her neighbor. He is a little boy who only lived just a few days. But he was born on Aug. 5th one day after Emma. So every year I leave him a flower.

As we were leaving the grave yard we passed baby land. Emma was not able to be buried in baby land because they have no more space there. How sad is it that baby land at the cemetery is full. She asked me if we could come back one day with flowers for all the little babies there. I have to say I have one wonderful little girl. It makes me proud that she would think of all those other little babies.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl mommy loves and misses you more then ever. And your big sister loves and misses you too. If only you could be here with us. My heart is still broken and I can only hope that I will see you again one day. I love you.

Trying to teach good maners

2007-08-02T11:07:00.000-04:00

We have a small (well smelly) dilemma at our house. I have been doing my best to teach good manners. But some times that can be so hard. It is embarrassing to say but we are a house of farters. Yes I said farters and we find farts very funny. Farts are just funny not sure why but they are. So how do you teach your child it is not a good thing just to let one go any old place. Because when she dose let one rip we all end up laughing. And why the heck are they so funny? We have at least gotten as far as to get her to say excuse me when she does it. But the excuse me comes out in between laughter. And those of you that are reading this thinking wow these people are nuts. Come on admit it, they are funny.

I miss my kids, my neighbor won't listen and Gavin is a walker

2007-08-01T07:33:00.000-04:00

So how is that for a long title.

Well so far this week has been crazy just like I thought it would. Monday and Tuesday I had to go right from one job to another. The worst part was not getting to see my kids on those days. By the time I got home they were in bed. I don’t know how divorced people with children do it. I don’t think I could go weeks at a time without seeing my kids. Hell it has only been two days I have not seen them and I am hating it. But tonight and tomorrow I have time to go home before I have to be there. And then Friday I don’t work during the day so I have all day with them before I go in that night. I am hoping that I don’t have to work this second job very long. We just have a few bills we still need to get paid off. I am also going to use this extra money for Christmas. No charging on the credit cards this year. That is one reason we are a little behind right now. With all the medical bills last year we did not really have money for Christmas so I charged most of it. But not this year.

I spoke to my neighbor yesterday and she has not taken my advice. She is still just going about her normal life hoping her Doctor will call if her 24 hour came back positive and not make her wait. But I told her again no to depend on her Doctor he sounds like a quack. I told her to take charge of her medical care and either demand the results before next month or go back to the hospital. She is still getting very high BP readings when she takes her BP. I know with myself it took 4 weeks from the time I had a slightly high reading for it to become pre-e. But my BP was not nearly as high at that point as hers is right now. It was when I had BP readings as high as hers that I had went from PIH to Pre-E. I don’t really thinks she understand how bad this could end up being. I mean her Doctor has not even suggested NST’s. Once my BP when up my Doctor Started NST’s twice a week. I wish I had the stomach to be a Doctor. I would become an OB/GYN and do my best to give all mothers and babies the best chance possible. Doctors like hers just make me mad.

And on a happy note I now have a Full Fledged Walker. Gavin no longer crawls at all. He started this about a week ago. And I just have to say it is the cueist thing to watch. I admit that there are days I do get sad watching him reach his milestones and thinking about what I missed out on with Emma. But it still makes me smile to watch him do new things and get such a proud look on his face. But this has been one of the hardest things also. Watching and knowing all that I did not get to see Emma do these things. There are days I can almost imagine what the look on her face would have been when doing these things. But that is all I can do is imagine.

Ok I guess that did not turn into such a happy note so I will end my post here.

Tired

2007-07-30T11:45:00.000-04:00

That is what I am going to be this week. I have decided to get a second job for a little bit. I will be waiting tables two nights a week. Just on Thursday night and Friday night. But that is not what is going to make me so tired. I already work from 5:00am until 4:00pm Mon thru Thurs. and the Bar and Grill I am going to work for will only train during the week. So this week I will not only be working my reg. job hours but also every night this week. With Friday being my first day on my own. I am still not sure how I am going to work at night and still get up at 4:00am every morn. They told me I should be out of there by 9:00 or 10:00pm but that still means I won’t get to bed until after 10:00 or 11:00pm. I guess I will be drinking lots of coffee this week.

And even though I will be dead tired this week I think this is a good week for all this. This should keep my mind nice and busy this week. Not much time to do much thinking. Last year this week was pure hell leading up to Emma’s day. Thankfully things have not been as bad this year. I really did not know if I would make it though last year.

I have a neighbor 5 houses down from me that had to terminate a pregnancy due to the little boy having anencephaly (this is when the baby has not brain at all). She is pregnant again and 31 weeks along. I am getting worried for her because her Doctor seems like a joke. She has been having very very high blood pressure. I mean 190/110. He did send her to the Hospital and they sent her home to do the 24 hour urine. But the doctor told her he would not tell her the results until her appt. next month. NEXT MONTH I can not believe this. What if she has Pre-E he needs to let her know before next month. I told her to call him and demand the results. Pre-E is nothing to play around with. She told me that she has severe headaches, spots in front of her eyes and she is getting very dizzy. I told her if she was not going to call her Doctor then to go to the hospital. I really think she has bad Pre-E and that her and her baby’s life are in danger. I have not spoken to her today but I sure hope she took my advice. And what else I can’t believe is that with her BP being this high he did not even tell her to take it easy or bed rest or anything. She works a very physical job and I know first had that if you start getting high BP while PG they will have you take it down a notch. I am not feeling much love for her Doctor right now. I am very worried about her. I would hate for her have to endure another loss when good medical care might prevent something from going wrong. I know there is not way to ensure a happy ending but the Doctor could at least act like he cares and knows what he is doing. Could everybody please keep her and baby in their thoughts.

I don't like their pick for Bob's replacement

2007-07-24T13:34:00.001-04:00

I am a huge P.ri-ce is Ri.ght Fan. And I have to say that I do not think they made a good choice making Dre-w Carr.y the new host. Don’t get me wrong I like the guy and think he is funny I just don’t think he is a good fit for this show. Who knows I could be wrong but I think they could have found a better fit. This show will never be the same. I have a feeling it will not be as popular as it has in the past.

And while I am on the subject of TV here. Does anybody reading my blog watch L.o-st. I can’t seem to figure out when the new season is starting. I heard something about Feb. of 08 but to me that seems way to long between seasons. Does anybody out there now when the new season is coming back.

What a great weekend

2007-07-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

I am back to work after a wonderful weekend. It was so nice to have a weekend to just do what ever I wanted to. I sleep late, took naps and read a whole book. This is a once a year things so I take full advantage of our long weekend we get once a year by ourselves. We did have a couple of nights while there we were pretty loopy too. And since I don’t get to do that often either it is fun to get loopy every now and then.

One place we went to was a place called D.ave & Bu.sters. It is like a Chucky Cheese for Adults. They have games and you win tickets to buy things but they also have a bar. It was pretty cool. Tom and are thinking about looking to see if they do franchising. We think a place like this near where we live would do great. There is nothing like it anywhere close. If they do then we would have to talk to his parents to see if they would invest with us. His parents have money and if they think they can make even more money then they want in. And that would be great since we don’t have the money to do something like this. I am not getting my hopes up but I do think we could make money with a place like this where we live.

I also got a little burned on my back Saturday. Tom was at the softball field so I was by myself I had nobody to put sun screen my back. So I just went out without anything on my back. Well bad idea. My back is now inching like crazy so I know I am going to peel.

I wish that Tom and I had the time and money to do this more then once a year. A long weekend once a year is nice but I would love to have two a year. That is if I could stand it. Even though I had such a great time I missed the kids so much. That is the only bad part. But still the little break was a nice one.

Trying to find a happy medium

2007-07-18T05:53:00.000-04:00

To start this post let me give you a little back ground. I grew up in a not so loving family. There was more hitting and nasty comments then hugs and kisses. My mother had never once told me I am beautiful but she sure has told me more then once I would never amount to anything. I have never thought highly of myself and still to this day have self-esteem issues. I don’t want this for my children but where is the happy medium.

I tell my children everyday how beautiful and smart they are. But I also don’t want to have children who think they are better then others and treat people badly. Why this has become a worry to me is something Kirstin said. She told me the other day that she told her cousin she was pretty and that her cousin was ugly. I will not stand for her being mean to other people. I want her to feel good about herself but not at the expense of other people feelings. I also don’t want one of those kids you see on shows like Am.eri.can I.d.ol that their parents should have told them the truth about some things. You know that ones that their parents should have just been honest and told them they can’t sing. But that there is something else they could do with their life.

That is were I want to find the happy medium. I want my children to know that they are Smart, Talented and Beautiful. But I also want to be able to be honest with them if there is something they are just not able to do. So how do you build them up and tell them when something is just not for them.

I have also been having talks with Kirstin about not saying nasty things to other people no matter what she thinks. But I also don’t want her to be afraid to speak her mind. I am doing my best to try and teach her compassion for others. But I don’t want her to be so compassionate that she gets walked all over.

So do I lay off telling her how smart and beautiful she is on a daily basis and just do it occasionally? How much is too much and how much is too little? I want my children to be confident and compassionate.

But what it all boils down to is I don’t want her to grow up hating herself as I did. I want her to feel like she is the prettiest & smartest in the room but I don’t want her to throw it in somebody’s face. But I am not sure how to get her to that point. I want her to believe that she can do anything she want to do in life, but I also want her to realize when something just is not in the cards. But I also don’t want to be the one to tell her when that something is not in the cards for her. I guess point bland I don’t want her to be treated like I was by my parents but I also don’t want to over do it. So where is the happy medium with all of this?

They are getting so big

2007-07-17T06:53:00.000-04:00

We finally had new pictures taken of the kids. They are getting so big. I think the pictures turned out great.

Time to get away

2007-07-16T14:35:00.001-04:00

Once a year Tom and I try to get away at least for a weekend by ourselves. We usually do this on our anniversary. This year we are doing it before our anniversary. We are leaving Thursday to go to Ft. Laudale. And as much as I love my kids I am so ready for this adult break. We are going up there for a softball tournament for Tom but he does not play until Saturday so Thursday and Friday night we are going to live it up a little. I love this little break we get once a year. I use this time mostly to sleep since that is what I miss the most. He asked me the other day if I was going to come to the field and watch any games. Now he knows better then this. I never go to any of his games and I sure will not be there when I have a pool I could lay by or a nice cool hotel room to catch up on my sleep. What in the world was that silly man thinking even asking that.

I am so excited to get this little trip which means this week is going to feel very long waiting for Thursday to get here. And I know along with catching up on my sleep I will have one good night that I will get ripped. That is always fun to do every now and then.

A little bit of everything

2007-07-11T06:21:00.000-04:00

I have not updated on my kids here in so long. I have decided that I am going to write more in my blog about everything.

Gavin is now 13 months old. After being so behind with his motor skills he is starting to catch up. He did not crawl on his hands and knees until he was 11-1/2 months old. But just last week he started doing some walking on his own. It’s not much, he still prefers to crawl but I am so happy that he has showed me that he can walk if he chooses to. As for his swim lessons those did not go over so well. It seems that the only thing we did was make him afraid of the water. So we will try again next year when his is older. I told Tom we should have waited until he was 2 like we did with Kirstin but he would not hear of it. So now I have to work with him so he is does not throw a fit when we take him in the pool.

At his 15 month check-up his doc. will make the final decision on if he needs to see the urologist about his testicals. I think he will since they don’t drop down very often. I just hope it does not turn into him having to have surgery. The Doc. decided to wait until his 15 months check-up since there were starting to come down some of the time. We are both hoping that they will fully drop by then.

Kirstin is doing great and making me so sad at the same time. She is getting so big I just want time to stand still. I can’t remember what I said to her the other night, but it had something to do with me not wanting her to grow up. What I do remember her response to me. She said “its ok mommy I have to grow up”. Yes she does have to grow up but why so darn fast.

We took the family on an extended weekend to the beach and boy was that something. Gavin was not happy about this little vacation. Not sure what threw him off but we won’t be trying that again until he is a little older. He just did not like anything. He cried so bad we finally took him back to my parents while we finished out the weekend. He was happy once he was out of that hotel.

I have been wondering how Emma’s birthday is going to go this year. Last year nobody wanted to go and visit her with me. So I went with just Gavin. Maybe this year others will go with me. I don’t mind going alone but it would be nice to know that other people miss her too and want to wish her a happy birthday. I just wish so badly she was here to wish her a happy birthday. God I miss her so much! What I would not give to hold her again. To see what she would have looked like. What color her eyes would have been. That is one thing I did not get to see was her eyes. They were still fussed shut. I would have loved to have been able to look into her eyes.

Kirstin still talks about her all the time. I thought as the years go by that she would fade from Kirstin’s memory since she was so young while I was pregnant with her. But so far that memory has not faded in Kirstin’s mind. She still makes things and tells me they are for Emma. She still asks me if she can see her one day. That is the hard one having to tell her no she will never be able to see her. This affected Kirstin more then I ever thought it would. A few months ago Kirstin reveled to me that she was scared when I was in the hospital because she thought I would not come home like Emma did not come home. So my child is now afraid of hospitals.

Ok this has turned into a really long post so I will stop here. I really do have a lot on my mind regarding Kirstin and having babies. I think I screwed her up in that department a little. But I will save that post for another day. I just hope with all my heart that my children do go though the same things I have to get their family. But sadly it just might be in the cards for them. But I am thankful I will be able to understand and comfort them knowing how they feel first hand.

Meme from the baby loss directory

2007-07-09T08:56:00.000-04:00

I was over at the baby loss directory and decided to do the meme that msfitzita posted. She had some very good questions in there. So here is my meme.

1.What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost? What I want people to know the most about the Children I have lost is how much they were planed and wanted. I want them to know that I loved them from the day I found out they existed. And their loss has changed who I am.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why? My two living children are Kirstin and Gavin. No reason for these just the husband and I agreed on them. As for Emma Grace I gave her that name because it sounded peaceful to me. And what I wanted for her was to be at peace. I never named my two miscarriages.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss? To remember Emma I have a place in the house that has a picture of her along with Items gave to me after her passing. Along with these things is a basket with her tiny hat and blanket that was over her at her viewing.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst? The one thing that sticks in my head is the most hurtful comment that was made to me by my husband’s mother at Emma’s funeral. As we stood over Emma she told me “you know this was for the best and it is ok to have an only child”. The most helpful thing anybody said to me was "be kind to yourself”.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet? My hero is my best friend. All though she has never lost a child she knows when to be quit and just let me talk. She does her best to try and understand. But will also admit that there is now way she will ever fully understand.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now? Yes there is something on my mind. But I have not gotten the nerve to say it to anybody. So for now I will keep it to myself.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing? As you can see from my last post I am doing all right. So much better then in the past. I have started to picture happy days and even plan for them.

Second year better then the first

2007-07-05T06:19:00.001-04:00

We are just around the corner from Emma’s second Birthday. This time last year I was having such a hard time. I was having lots and lots of thoughts of killing myself. I think I had some PPD mixed in along with normal depression. This made things really bad. There were days that Tom was afraid to leave the house and go to work. I did not write about it but I was having a really hard time last year. I was embarrassed to let anybody know about these thoughts I was having. So many people thought I should be happy now that Gavin was born. But it only made things worse. I was sad and angry about so many things.

Don’t get me wrong I was so happy to have him here healthy and alive. But it was also so very bitter sweet. He was here because I had to lose Emma. How can one be completely happy when in order to get one child you have to lose another. I cried alot last year. It took all I had just to make it though the day.

This year I am sad about her upcoming Birthday. But I am not devastated like I was last year. This year so far has been easier. I have been told by many women here in blog land that the second year is easier. I guess they were right because this year is faring better so far. I still dread Aug. 4th and it being just right around the corner but I think I am dealing so much better this year.

Starting Fresh

2007-06-27T07:02:00.000-04:00

Here I am starting fresh. Some of you know me from my other blog. I had to delete that one and start a new one. People I did not want reading about this part of my life found me. So the other blog is gone. I will not make the mistake of telling somebody about this blog like I did the last one.

So for those that find me and don’t know me here is a little about me. I started my journey to have a family in 2002. It took me five years to complete said family. I miscarried my first baby in Aug. of 2002. I then went on in 2003 to have my beautiful daughter. That pregnancy was considered some what high risk for the risk of incompetent cervix. I developed Gestational Diabetes and Pre-E. My water broke at 31 weeks and I had her 5 days later. She spent 3 weeks in the NICU and came home on a heart monitor.

In 2004 I started trying for another child and miscarried that baby in Dec. of 2004. I got pregnant again right away. This pregnancy start of with lots of bleeding and I just knew something was not right. At 19 weeks I was informed that there was a problem. After being sent to the MFM doctors I was giving the devastating news that she was so sick that it was fatal. I was induced and Emma Grace was born at 22 weeks on Aug. 4, 2005 at 9:30am. After her birth we then found out that my husband has a Chromosome Inversion and was the cause of our problems.

We pushed the envelope one more time and got pregnant again 8 weeks after we lost our daughter. This pregnancy was the worst roller coaster ride I had ever been on. Cerclaged at 13 weeks. Amnio at 14 weeks showing a baby boy with Daddy’s Inversion, but healthy. Cervix started to shorten at 23 weeks. Then put on bed complete bed rest at 25 weeks. Again I developed Gestational Diabetes. And at 31 weeks my Blood Pressure started to go up. At 35 weeks I then had severe Pre-E and was put on a Mag drip and induced. My son spent 9 days in the NICU and then came home with a clean bill of health.

Sadly my son will be my last child. My husband and I just could not do this roller coaster ride any more. So even though I would love to have more children we have put that to an end. The losses and all the stress of the pregnancies just aren’t worth it anymore.

So where am I at now. Doing my best to get though life and be happy again. I have good days and bad days. I love my children with all my heart and miss my sweet Emma Grace everyday