Monday, August 4, 2008

Hard to believe it has been 3 years

Three years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A baby girl I would never get to see grow up. A little girl that I would never get to know. On this day three years ago my heart broke and I am still not sure if it can ever be repaired. I still think of Emma on almost a daily basis. I still have many nights that I cry myself to sleep wishing to hold her one more time. A part of me is missing that I can never get back.

And as this day has approached I have done a lot of thinking about what this had done to me and how it has changed me. Some change has been for the good but also some has been for the worse.

The good is I believe that I am a better mother to my two living children because I know first hand how special they are. And what a blessing it is that I got the pleasure to bring them into this world healthy and alive. And with out them I don’t know what would have happened to me. I can’t even bring myself to imagine what life would be like with out them.

The bad is that this has taught me is never to think to positive. If you do that you seem to only get heartbroken. I now expect the worse so as not to be too disappointed when things go to shit and fall apart. It is much easier to handle that bad when you expect it.

I will never look back on the day of her birth and be happy about it. I wanted that precious little girl more then anything. I wanted to watch her grow and nurture her. I wanted to see her smile and what kind of person she would have become. But all I get is to say what I wanted, I don’t get all of those things. And that is just not right!! I hope each and everyday that she is at peace and now how much I love her and what she means to me. My life will always be incomplete with out her here. I love you baby girl and miss you more then anything.

Emma Grace 08/04/05 Rest in Peace my Sweet Child
Here is her Montage if you would like to view it.
View this montage created at One True Media
My Angel My Love