Tired

That is what I am going to be this week. I have decided to get a second job for a little bit. I will be waiting tables two nights a week. Just on Thursday night and Friday night. But that is not what is going to make me so tired. I already work from 5:00am until 4:00pm Mon thru Thurs. and the Bar and Grill I am going to work for will only train during the week. So this week I will not only be working my reg. job hours but also every night this week. With Friday being my first day on my own. I am still not sure how I am going to work at night and still get up at 4:00am every morn. They told me I should be out of there by 9:00 or 10:00pm but that still means I won’t get to bed until after 10:00 or 11:00pm. I guess I will be drinking lots of coffee this week.

And even though I will be dead tired this week I think this is a good week for all this. This should keep my mind nice and busy this week. Not much time to do much thinking. Last year this week was pure hell leading up to Emma’s day. Thankfully things have not been as bad this year. I really did not know if I would make it though last year.

I have a neighbor 5 houses down from me that had to terminate a pregnancy due to the little boy having anencephaly (this is when the baby has not brain at all). She is pregnant again and 31 weeks along. I am getting worried for her because her Doctor seems like a joke. She has been having very very high blood pressure. I mean 190/110. He did send her to the Hospital and they sent her home to do the 24 hour urine. But the doctor told her he would not tell her the results until her appt. next month. NEXT MONTH I can not believe this. What if she has Pre-E he needs to let her know before next month. I told her to call him and demand the results. Pre-E is nothing to play around with. She told me that she has severe headaches, spots in front of her eyes and she is getting very dizzy. I told her if she was not going to call her Doctor then to go to the hospital. I really think she has bad Pre-E and that her and her baby’s life are in danger. I have not spoken to her today but I sure hope she took my advice. And what else I can’t believe is that with her BP being this high he did not even tell her to take it easy or bed rest or anything. She works a very physical job and I know first had that if you start getting high BP while PG they will have you take it down a notch. I am not feeling much love for her Doctor right now. I am very worried about her. I would hate for her have to endure another loss when good medical care might prevent something from going wrong. I know there is not way to ensure a happy ending but the Doctor could at least act like he cares and knows what he is doing. Could everybody please keep her and baby in their thoughts.

I don't like their pick for Bob's replacement

I am a huge P.ri-ce is Ri.ght Fan. And I have to say that I do not think they made a good choice making Dre-w Carr.y the new host. Don’t get me wrong I like the guy and think he is funny I just don’t think he is a good fit for this show. Who knows I could be wrong but I think they could have found a better fit. This show will never be the same. I have a feeling it will not be as popular as it has in the past.

And while I am on the subject of TV here. Does anybody reading my blog watch L.o-st. I can’t seem to figure out when the new season is starting. I heard something about Feb. of 08 but to me that seems way to long between seasons. Does anybody out there now when the new season is coming back.

What a great weekend

I am back to work after a wonderful weekend. It was so nice to have a weekend to just do what ever I wanted to. I sleep late, took naps and read a whole book. This is a once a year things so I take full advantage of our long weekend we get once a year by ourselves. We did have a couple of nights while there we were pretty loopy too. And since I don’t get to do that often either it is fun to get loopy every now and then.

One place we went to was a place called D.ave & Bu.sters. It is like a Chucky Cheese for Adults. They have games and you win tickets to buy things but they also have a bar. It was pretty cool. Tom and are thinking about looking to see if they do franchising. We think a place like this near where we live would do great. There is nothing like it anywhere close. If they do then we would have to talk to his parents to see if they would invest with us. His parents have money and if they think they can make even more money then they want in. And that would be great since we don’t have the money to do something like this. I am not getting my hopes up but I do think we could make money with a place like this where we live.

I also got a little burned on my back Saturday. Tom was at the softball field so I was by myself I had nobody to put sun screen my back. So I just went out without anything on my back. Well bad idea. My back is now inching like crazy so I know I am going to peel.

I wish that Tom and I had the time and money to do this more then once a year. A long weekend once a year is nice but I would love to have two a year. That is if I could stand it. Even though I had such a great time I missed the kids so much. That is the only bad part. But still the little break was a nice one.

Trying to find a happy medium

To start this post let me give you a little back ground. I grew up in a not so loving family. There was more hitting and nasty comments then hugs and kisses. My mother had never once told me I am beautiful but she sure has told me more then once I would never amount to anything. I have never thought highly of myself and still to this day have self-esteem issues. I don’t want this for my children but where is the happy medium.

I tell my children everyday how beautiful and smart they are. But I also don’t want to have children who think they are better then others and treat people badly. Why this has become a worry to me is something Kirstin said. She told me the other day that she told her cousin she was pretty and that her cousin was ugly. I will not stand for her being mean to other people. I want her to feel good about herself but not at the expense of other people feelings. I also don’t want one of those kids you see on shows like Am.eri.can I.d.ol that their parents should have told them the truth about some things. You know that ones that their parents should have just been honest and told them they can’t sing. But that there is something else they could do with their life.

That is were I want to find the happy medium. I want my children to know that they are Smart, Talented and Beautiful. But I also want to be able to be honest with them if there is something they are just not able to do. So how do you build them up and tell them when something is just not for them.

I have also been having talks with Kirstin about not saying nasty things to other people no matter what she thinks. But I also don’t want her to be afraid to speak her mind. I am doing my best to try and teach her compassion for others. But I don’t want her to be so compassionate that she gets walked all over.

So do I lay off telling her how smart and beautiful she is on a daily basis and just do it occasionally? How much is too much and how much is too little? I want my children to be confident and compassionate.

But what it all boils down to is I don’t want her to grow up hating herself as I did. I want her to feel like she is the prettiest & smartest in the room but I don’t want her to throw it in somebody’s face. But I am not sure how to get her to that point. I want her to believe that she can do anything she want to do in life, but I also want her to realize when something just is not in the cards. But I also don’t want to be the one to tell her when that something is not in the cards for her. I guess point bland I don’t want her to be treated like I was by my parents but I also don’t want to over do it. So where is the happy medium with all of this?

They are getting so big

We finally had new pictures taken of the kids. They are getting so big. I think the pictures turned out great.

Time to get away

Once a year Tom and I try to get away at least for a weekend by ourselves. We usually do this on our anniversary. This year we are doing it before our anniversary. We are leaving Thursday to go to Ft. Laudale. And as much as I love my kids I am so ready for this adult break. We are going up there for a softball tournament for Tom but he does not play until Saturday so Thursday and Friday night we are going to live it up a little. I love this little break we get once a year. I use this time mostly to sleep since that is what I miss the most. He asked me the other day if I was going to come to the field and watch any games. Now he knows better then this. I never go to any of his games and I sure will not be there when I have a pool I could lay by or a nice cool hotel room to catch up on my sleep. What in the world was that silly man thinking even asking that.

I am so excited to get this little trip which means this week is going to feel very long waiting for Thursday to get here. And I know along with catching up on my sleep I will have one good night that I will get ripped. That is always fun to do every now and then.

A little bit of everything

I have not updated on my kids here in so long. I have decided that I am going to write more in my blog about everything.

Gavin is now 13 months old. After being so behind with his motor skills he is starting to catch up. He did not crawl on his hands and knees until he was 11-1/2 months old. But just last week he started doing some walking on his own. It’s not much, he still prefers to crawl but I am so happy that he has showed me that he can walk if he chooses to. As for his swim lessons those did not go over so well. It seems that the only thing we did was make him afraid of the water. So we will try again next year when his is older. I told Tom we should have waited until he was 2 like we did with Kirstin but he would not hear of it. So now I have to work with him so he is does not throw a fit when we take him in the pool.

At his 15 month check-up his doc. will make the final decision on if he needs to see the urologist about his testicals. I think he will since they don’t drop down very often. I just hope it does not turn into him having to have surgery. The Doc. decided to wait until his 15 months check-up since there were starting to come down some of the time. We are both hoping that they will fully drop by then.

Kirstin is doing great and making me so sad at the same time. She is getting so big I just want time to stand still. I can’t remember what I said to her the other night, but it had something to do with me not wanting her to grow up. What I do remember her response to me. She said “its ok mommy I have to grow up”. Yes she does have to grow up but why so darn fast.

We took the family on an extended weekend to the beach and boy was that something. Gavin was not happy about this little vacation. Not sure what threw him off but we won’t be trying that again until he is a little older. He just did not like anything. He cried so bad we finally took him back to my parents while we finished out the weekend. He was happy once he was out of that hotel.

I have been wondering how Emma’s birthday is going to go this year. Last year nobody wanted to go and visit her with me. So I went with just Gavin. Maybe this year others will go with me. I don’t mind going alone but it would be nice to know that other people miss her too and want to wish her a happy birthday. I just wish so badly she was here to wish her a happy birthday. God I miss her so much! What I would not give to hold her again. To see what she would have looked like. What color her eyes would have been. That is one thing I did not get to see was her eyes. They were still fussed shut. I would have loved to have been able to look into her eyes.

Kirstin still talks about her all the time. I thought as the years go by that she would fade from Kirstin’s memory since she was so young while I was pregnant with her. But so far that memory has not faded in Kirstin’s mind. She still makes things and tells me they are for Emma. She still asks me if she can see her one day. That is the hard one having to tell her no she will never be able to see her. This affected Kirstin more then I ever thought it would. A few months ago Kirstin reveled to me that she was scared when I was in the hospital because she thought I would not come home like Emma did not come home. So my child is now afraid of hospitals.

Ok this has turned into a really long post so I will stop here. I really do have a lot on my mind regarding Kirstin and having babies. I think I screwed her up in that department a little. But I will save that post for another day. I just hope with all my heart that my children do go though the same things I have to get their family. But sadly it just might be in the cards for them. But I am thankful I will be able to understand and comfort them knowing how they feel first hand.

Meme from the baby loss directory

I was over at the baby loss directory and decided to do the meme that msfitzita posted. She had some very good questions in there. So here is my meme.

1.What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost? What I want people to know the most about the Children I have lost is how much they were planed and wanted. I want them to know that I loved them from the day I found out they existed. And their loss has changed who I am.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why? My two living children are Kirstin and Gavin. No reason for these just the husband and I agreed on them. As for Emma Grace I gave her that name because it sounded peaceful to me. And what I wanted for her was to be at peace. I never named my two miscarriages.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss? To remember Emma I have a place in the house that has a picture of her along with Items gave to me after her passing. Along with these things is a basket with her tiny hat and blanket that was over her at her viewing.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst? The one thing that sticks in my head is the most hurtful comment that was made to me by my husband’s mother at Emma’s funeral. As we stood over Emma she told me “you know this was for the best and it is ok to have an only child”. The most helpful thing anybody said to me was "be kind to yourself”.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet? My hero is my best friend. All though she has never lost a child she knows when to be quit and just let me talk. She does her best to try and understand. But will also admit that there is now way she will ever fully understand.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now? Yes there is something on my mind. But I have not gotten the nerve to say it to anybody. So for now I will keep it to myself.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing? As you can see from my last post I am doing all right. So much better then in the past. I have started to picture happy days and even plan for them.

Second year better then the first

We are just around the corner from Emma’s second Birthday. This time last year I was having such a hard time. I was having lots and lots of thoughts of killing myself. I think I had some PPD mixed in along with normal depression. This made things really bad. There were days that Tom was afraid to leave the house and go to work. I did not write about it but I was having a really hard time last year. I was embarrassed to let anybody know about these thoughts I was having. So many people thought I should be happy now that Gavin was born. But it only made things worse. I was sad and angry about so many things.

Don’t get me wrong I was so happy to have him here healthy and alive. But it was also so very bitter sweet. He was here because I had to lose Emma. How can one be completely happy when in order to get one child you have to lose another. I cried alot last year. It took all I had just to make it though the day.

This year I am sad about her upcoming Birthday. But I am not devastated like I was last year. This year so far has been easier. I have been told by many women here in blog land that the second year is easier. I guess they were right because this year is faring better so far. I still dread Aug. 4th and it being just right around the corner but I think I am dealing so much better this year.