To start this post let me give you a little back ground. I grew up in a not so loving family. There was more hitting and nasty comments then hugs and kisses. My mother had never once told me I am beautiful but she sure has told me more then once I would never amount to anything. I have never thought highly of myself and still to this day have self-esteem issues. I don’t want this for my children but where is the happy medium.
I tell my children everyday how beautiful and smart they are. But I also don’t want to have children who think they are better then others and treat people badly. Why this has become a worry to me is something Kirstin said. She told me the other day that she told her cousin she was pretty and that her cousin was ugly. I will not stand for her being mean to other people. I want her to feel good about herself but not at the expense of other people feelings. I also don’t want one of those kids you see on shows like Am.eri.can I.d.ol that their parents should have told them the truth about some things. You know that ones that their parents should have just been honest and told them they can’t sing. But that there is something else they could do with their life.
That is were I want to find the happy medium. I want my children to know that they are Smart, Talented and Beautiful. But I also want to be able to be honest with them if there is something they are just not able to do. So how do you build them up and tell them when something is just not for them.
I have also been having talks with Kirstin about not saying nasty things to other people no matter what she thinks. But I also don’t want her to be afraid to speak her mind. I am doing my best to try and teach her compassion for others. But I don’t want her to be so compassionate that she gets walked all over.
So do I lay off telling her how smart and beautiful she is on a daily basis and just do it occasionally? How much is too much and how much is too little? I want my children to be confident and compassionate.
But what it all boils down to is I don’t want her to grow up hating herself as I did. I want her to feel like she is the prettiest & smartest in the room but I don’t want her to throw it in somebody’s face. But I am not sure how to get her to that point. I want her to believe that she can do anything she want to do in life, but I also want her to realize when something just is not in the cards. But I also don’t want to be the one to tell her when that something is not in the cards for her. I guess point bland I don’t want her to be treated like I was by my parents but I also don’t want to over do it. So where is the happy medium with all of this?
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3 comments:
Well, the truth is that she will always be the prettiest and smartest to you but chances are she won't always be the prettiest and smartest in the room. Obviously I have no experience in raising children, so isn't worth much, but if you stress that she's always going to be the prettiest and smartest *for you*, maybe she will draw confidence from that as she grows up and will be able to face it better when not everyone will always think that about her for the rest of her life.
taking the example you gave, you could also say from time to time that her cousin is pretty & smart too.
I don't think it's a bad thing to tell your children that you think they are pretty and smart. You just need to find something to balance it with. I use the, "Would you like it?" game with Sam. If he says something mean, I ask him if he would like it if someone said that to him. Then we talk about what are nice things to say and what are things to keep to yourself so you don't make someone else feel bad. We talk about how important it is to be nice to everyone. We talk about how important it is to have friends and to be someone's friend. As much as you stress your own child's importance, balance it with the lesson that everyone is important and I think you'll do ok.
All I can come up with is the line, "Pretty is as pretty does."
In other words, she might be pretty and smart, but if she is unkind to others, she won't be either anymore. Because nobody likes a mean person, right?
Hmmm, and does it have to be about who is the smartest, vs. smart like everyone is? Because one sounds like only one person can be the smartest, and the other sounds like "we're all smart together."
I think in the end it comes down to praising them for accomplishing actual things, and not just general unearned praise as well.
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