Thursday, July 5, 2007

Second year better then the first

We are just around the corner from Emma’s second Birthday. This time last year I was having such a hard time. I was having lots and lots of thoughts of killing myself. I think I had some PPD mixed in along with normal depression. This made things really bad. There were days that Tom was afraid to leave the house and go to work. I did not write about it but I was having a really hard time last year. I was embarrassed to let anybody know about these thoughts I was having. So many people thought I should be happy now that Gavin was born. But it only made things worse. I was sad and angry about so many things.

Don’t get me wrong I was so happy to have him here healthy and alive. But it was also so very bitter sweet. He was here because I had to lose Emma. How can one be completely happy when in order to get one child you have to lose another. I cried alot last year. It took all I had just to make it though the day.

This year I am sad about her upcoming Birthday. But I am not devastated like I was last year. This year so far has been easier. I have been told by many women here in blog land that the second year is easier. I guess they were right because this year is faring better so far. I still dread Aug. 4th and it being just right around the corner but I think I am dealing so much better this year.

2 comments:

Aurelia said...

Every anniversary changes us, every year we feel differently. It still hurts but it isn't as fresh.

PPD is difficult, the bittersweet of having a new child after losing one, so soon after can really do it to us. I'm glad you are doing better this year.

babyhopes said...

On August 4th I will light a candle for beautiful Emma Grace. I hope that others do also.