Thursday, July 5, 2007

Second year better then the first

We are just around the corner from Emma’s second Birthday. This time last year I was having such a hard time. I was having lots and lots of thoughts of killing myself. I think I had some PPD mixed in along with normal depression. This made things really bad. There were days that Tom was afraid to leave the house and go to work. I did not write about it but I was having a really hard time last year. I was embarrassed to let anybody know about these thoughts I was having. So many people thought I should be happy now that Gavin was born. But it only made things worse. I was sad and angry about so many things.

Don’t get me wrong I was so happy to have him here healthy and alive. But it was also so very bitter sweet. He was here because I had to lose Emma. How can one be completely happy when in order to get one child you have to lose another. I cried alot last year. It took all I had just to make it though the day.

This year I am sad about her upcoming Birthday. But I am not devastated like I was last year. This year so far has been easier. I have been told by many women here in blog land that the second year is easier. I guess they were right because this year is faring better so far. I still dread Aug. 4th and it being just right around the corner but I think I am dealing so much better this year.


Aurelia said...

Every anniversary changes us, every year we feel differently. It still hurts but it isn't as fresh.

PPD is difficult, the bittersweet of having a new child after losing one, so soon after can really do it to us. I'm glad you are doing better this year.

babyhopes said...

On August 4th I will light a candle for beautiful Emma Grace. I hope that others do also.