Don't know how much more I can take

So this waiting until Thursday to see the Dr. is just killing. I want to know right now what in the hell is going on with me. I have good days and bad days with all of this. There are some days I just start thinking I am dieing and I get very depressed thinking about that and my children. I mean if something is really bad wrong with me I worry the most about my children. Just the thought of not being here to watch them grow up just sends me into a tail spin that is hard to get out of.

And sad to say Tom has not been a big help at all though all of this. One day he is super nice then the next right back to his same old self. Two times now he has started packing his bags and I did nothing to stop him. But he always backs out and stops packing. I told him yesterday after he started packing again that I would be better off dealing with all of this with out him. I don’t need his shit on top of all of this. I could have just knocked him out yesterday. He started his shit and I left and went to Target just to get away from him for a little bit. He calls me and says you need to come home and get the kids I am leaving. So I rush home to find both kids crying. I kneel down and ask K what is wrong. She tells me that Daddy is leaving and since you are not here he is going to leave us home alone. I think my head spun when she told me this. Why in the world would he say things like that to a 4-1/2 and 1-1/2 year old. What the hell is wrong with this man.

He then proceeds to say things once again right in front of the kids. I send them both outside to play and tell him once again there will never be a chance for us to fix things if he does not stop involving the children like this. I told him to quite pushing me or he would really regret more then he already does. So what does he do again right in front of K. He says I am not pushing anything. If I was pushing you then we would be in bed fucking the shit of each other. Again what the hell is going though his head. I wish I owned a cattle prod because I would just lay him out every time he said some stupid shit in front of the children. Then maybe he would learn to keep his mouth shut with them around.

I really don’t know how much more my mind can take with everything that is going on. I tried to tell him that right now I just need to focus on myself and find out what is going on with my health. I am not trying to get my hopes up to high but I have my fingers crossed that I just had some sort of Viral Hepatitis and the Virus has left and now I am all better. Because all Hepatitis means is that your liver is inflamed and some Viruses can cause that. Then my next hope is if that is the case that it did not cause any permanent damage to my liver. And now I just have to keep myself sane until my Dr. Thursday.