I am Tired

So no new job for Tom yet. I get on line every morning and e-mail jobs to him to apply for but nothing yet. I have my fingers crossed on a really good job I found for him. He also gets first dibs at the interview because he is an injured veteran. So I really hope that one works out. Thursday I went on line and applied him for un-employment. Talk about pissed I asked him do to that Wed. but he did not do it. Mater of fact he did not do anything. I came home to a dirty house and him lying under a blanket on the couch watching TV. I asked him why the house was dirty and he said “I knew you going to bitch about that, I did not have time to do anything.” Well what the hell was he doing all day long? I mean I e-mail him 10 jobs to apply for but that does not take all day long. So not only did he not apply for his un-employment but he did not do anything around the house. Needless to say I was not happy and just took the kids outside to play and left him lying on the couch. I asked him to please call about the Cobra paper work today lets see if he can get that done.

Well Monday June 30th I go to get the results of my last set of blood work. I have my fingers crossed that I still come back with no viral load. And if I do that means for sure I cleared and all is well with my health. After that if it all comes back good I will only have to be checked once a year. So I am hoping for so good news Monday. I mean come I need some good news.

I also started working some night shifts at my main job again since Tom has no money coming in and I will need all the extra money I can get to pay for Cobra until we get more insurance. And working those night shifts really get me tired. I don't get much rest when I do this. But thankfully that is being worked out also. See my main job does not have any health insurance for me because they are a union contractor. The local union provides health insurance for all the union employees. And since I do not work in the union trade and I only work for a union contractor they do not provide me any health insurance. The union is self insured and you have to be in the union to get their coverage. So if my company were to get me health coverage I would be the only employee that they were covering and it would be very expensive. But being in this business you get very close with your subcontractors. So one of our subcontractors that is not union is going to put me on their payroll so that I can get their benefits. So I will just have to pay a few months of Cobra until my insurance kicks in with them. Thank goodness for good people who care.

Can things get any worse

Yesterday Tom got laid off from his job along with 5 other people. Its not the money I am worried about. Like I said before I am the main bread winner in the house hold. But his job held the health insurance. And with the health problems I am having right now. And the fact that G will have to go and see an ENT Dr. we need the insurance right now. And I know we can get Cobra until we get more insurance. But have any of you ever paid for Cobra? Well I have and it is outrageous.

The only good thing I have to look forward to today is that I am meeting with somebody about another possible job. And they do have health benefits. So maybe this will work out and we all will be ok on that end. That is all I can hope for.

But hell like don’t I have enough on my plate to deal with. Or can any more pile up and when will it all end. There has to be a stopping point somewhere, enough is enough I don’t know how much more I can deal with. And even though Tom is the one that lost his job I will be the one dealing with everything. So as soon as I post this I will get on line and start looking at jobs for him. Yes me looking for jobs for him or it won’t get done and he will not find a job soon. This is how it has always worked. I do the looking tell him where and he applies. He will not look himself. Everything always falls on my head. And I have no choice but to do it because he needs to have a job.

Perfect example, before bed last night he said to me “so since I am not working I guess you expect me to clean the house”. That is damn right I had better not come home to a dirty house if he is home all day. He also asked me if he had to keep the kids or could he take them to my moms. I told him he is to keep the kids and only take them over to my mothers if he has to go somewhere to apply for a job. Do you see why I feel the way I do. I have to force him to help. And do everything for him. He is lazy and will not do anything unless he is pushed to do it.

So more stress for me. Wish me luck that I find something good for him. And wish me luck that things start turning around soon or I just might lose it.

I am still Alive

I first want to thank all of you that have been checking on my though me blog and by e-mail. It really means the world to me right now. I have started a post 100 times but have not posted it. I have not been in a good place.

I will start my update with Tom. I have decided to stay for the kids. That is not to say that will not change. But I sat down with K and had a child friendly talk with her. In her own words “I don’t want mommy and daddy to live in two different houses, I want us all together.” I then sat and tired to have a civil conversation with Tom. Still as of this moment he has not done anything to try and make things better other then telling me he loves a few times a day. I do not tell him I love him back because I don’t and don’t know if I ever will again. He is still doing the same shit that got me to this point to begin with. Like the porn, I decided to check the internet files a few weeks ago. I came to see that he was viewing porn on the lap top which is down stairs. And the times it showed him viewing this porn was when the children were home which means they would have been down stairs also. Needless to say I let him have it. He tried to deny it but when I showed him the files there was not much more he could deny. He then gave me two different stories. The first was they were out side playing. Then the second was they were at my mothers. So I then asked him which one was it. Then I told him never mind because he is never to look at porn when there is a chance the kids could see it. And we once again got into a fight about him having an addiction. Which he will not admit to, but come on if you can’t even wait until your kids are in bed or not there to look at it I think you have a problem. And to top things off some of the sites he went on to down loaded a virus onto our computer I had to had fix.

Another thing that has me down is Gavin’s Birthday. Gavin turned 2 June 1st. His birthday brings out so many emotions in me. We have the fact that I am so happy he is here and healthy and doing great. But then there is also the dark side of his birthday that I have to deal with. The one that the little voices in side me that always say “you know he would not be here if Emma had been ok”. This brings me so much pain. So as you can see I get so torn on his birthday. I love Gavin with all my heart but then there is also the part of my heart that loves his sister that never got to be here. And while being happy that G is here I am also still so heartbroken on how and why he got to be here.

And speaking of Emma we are just a few weeks away from when she was born. And I seem to having a harder time this year with this then last year. I seem to be going backwards.

Then we have Kirstin. At her 5 year check up I asked the Dr. to send us for blood work so that I have could have her chromosomes checked. Those who have followed my story know that Tom has a screwed up chromosome and passed that on to Gavin. We did not know about it at the time we had Kirstin so she was never checked. I was hoping with all my heart that she did not get it. I figured somebody had to catch a break but I was wrong. Kirstin has it and I was just devastated when I got the phone call. I hung up and just cried. Now both of my children will have to go though all these problems if and when they decide to start a family. And it just kills me to even think about this. I don’t wish this heartache on anybody much less my own children. I just have my fingers crossed that years from now when they want children there is more they can do for them so they don’t have to go though the loses like I did.

Then you have me, physically I have felt great. I went yesterday and had blood drawn and go to the Doctor on June 30th for the results. This is the last test to make sure I did clear on my own. Like I said before there is a small chance that I was just under the radar and I could come back this time with a viral load. And if that is the case we will start treatment. So here I sit on the edge again waiting on those test results.

As for my emotional state it is not good. I am staying where I am at for my children not because that is were I want to be. So I go home and put on a happy face when I really am not happy and that can wear you down. And me and the other guy I have told you about in the past we are still very much in love with each other. He knows the deal and has told me he would wait on me. And as much as I want to tell him to wait until the time is right for me and my children to leave I can’t do that to him. I have told him not to wait on me. It would not be fair for me to do that to him. We still talk on the phone almost daily but I have not seen him in months. I miss him dearly and wish that things could be different. But things are what they are. And hopefully one day he and I can be together. We have both said we have never felt this way about anybody. And he himself is having some very serious medical problems right now and it is just killing me that I can not be there for him and comfort him. So this also adds to my depression. I am just hoping that one day I can be happy. I am starting to forget what happy is like. And this I find the one thing that makes me the saddest.