I am still Alive

I first want to thank all of you that have been checking on my though me blog and by e-mail. It really means the world to me right now. I have started a post 100 times but have not posted it. I have not been in a good place.

I will start my update with Tom. I have decided to stay for the kids. That is not to say that will not change. But I sat down with K and had a child friendly talk with her. In her own words “I don’t want mommy and daddy to live in two different houses, I want us all together.” I then sat and tired to have a civil conversation with Tom. Still as of this moment he has not done anything to try and make things better other then telling me he loves a few times a day. I do not tell him I love him back because I don’t and don’t know if I ever will again. He is still doing the same shit that got me to this point to begin with. Like the porn, I decided to check the internet files a few weeks ago. I came to see that he was viewing porn on the lap top which is down stairs. And the times it showed him viewing this porn was when the children were home which means they would have been down stairs also. Needless to say I let him have it. He tried to deny it but when I showed him the files there was not much more he could deny. He then gave me two different stories. The first was they were out side playing. Then the second was they were at my mothers. So I then asked him which one was it. Then I told him never mind because he is never to look at porn when there is a chance the kids could see it. And we once again got into a fight about him having an addiction. Which he will not admit to, but come on if you can’t even wait until your kids are in bed or not there to look at it I think you have a problem. And to top things off some of the sites he went on to down loaded a virus onto our computer I had to had fix.

Another thing that has me down is Gavin’s Birthday. Gavin turned 2 June 1st. His birthday brings out so many emotions in me. We have the fact that I am so happy he is here and healthy and doing great. But then there is also the dark side of his birthday that I have to deal with. The one that the little voices in side me that always say “you know he would not be here if Emma had been ok”. This brings me so much pain. So as you can see I get so torn on his birthday. I love Gavin with all my heart but then there is also the part of my heart that loves his sister that never got to be here. And while being happy that G is here I am also still so heartbroken on how and why he got to be here.

And speaking of Emma we are just a few weeks away from when she was born. And I seem to having a harder time this year with this then last year. I seem to be going backwards.

Then we have Kirstin. At her 5 year check up I asked the Dr. to send us for blood work so that I have could have her chromosomes checked. Those who have followed my story know that Tom has a screwed up chromosome and passed that on to Gavin. We did not know about it at the time we had Kirstin so she was never checked. I was hoping with all my heart that she did not get it. I figured somebody had to catch a break but I was wrong. Kirstin has it and I was just devastated when I got the phone call. I hung up and just cried. Now both of my children will have to go though all these problems if and when they decide to start a family. And it just kills me to even think about this. I don’t wish this heartache on anybody much less my own children. I just have my fingers crossed that years from now when they want children there is more they can do for them so they don’t have to go though the loses like I did.

Then you have me, physically I have felt great. I went yesterday and had blood drawn and go to the Doctor on June 30th for the results. This is the last test to make sure I did clear on my own. Like I said before there is a small chance that I was just under the radar and I could come back this time with a viral load. And if that is the case we will start treatment. So here I sit on the edge again waiting on those test results.

As for my emotional state it is not good. I am staying where I am at for my children not because that is were I want to be. So I go home and put on a happy face when I really am not happy and that can wear you down. And me and the other guy I have told you about in the past we are still very much in love with each other. He knows the deal and has told me he would wait on me. And as much as I want to tell him to wait until the time is right for me and my children to leave I can’t do that to him. I have told him not to wait on me. It would not be fair for me to do that to him. We still talk on the phone almost daily but I have not seen him in months. I miss him dearly and wish that things could be different. But things are what they are. And hopefully one day he and I can be together. We have both said we have never felt this way about anybody. And he himself is having some very serious medical problems right now and it is just killing me that I can not be there for him and comfort him. So this also adds to my depression. I am just hoping that one day I can be happy. I am starting to forget what happy is like. And this I find the one thing that makes me the saddest.