Hey Orlando

I see you are on again. And yes I am up this early and at work already. I guess you don't want to say hello. I am just wondering who you are since you have spent so much time on my blog. Makes me wonder if I know who you are since you are some what close to my area.

Hey you

From Orlando could you please delurk.
I see you are still there. I don't bite.

No time to paly

Wow have I been busy this week. Work is a little crazy which means I don’t have as much time to read and write (or play how ever you want to put it) on the computer. But I have a minuet and thought I would take this time to make a little post.

First I want to pat myself on the back. I have dropped 9lbs in the last two weeks. This makes me so excited. I want to lose 20 to 25 total so I am on my way there. I have to admit that it really makes me feel good to see that scale drop. I am now back at the weight I was when I started trying for another child after Kirstin. When I got PG with Gavin I was 10lbs heavier since I had at that point already had two previous PGs back to back. And it feels good to finally get that last 10lbs off. Now onto the next 10lbs.

This last week I have been having one of what I call my off weeks. Those are the weeks that just creep up on me and I miss Emma more then ever. She has been on my mind so much the last few days. And to make matters worse Kirstin was screaming at me last night to take her to see Emma’s grave. When I told her it was too late and she was too far to go to this late she just began to cry. So of course that just really broke my heart. Here is my child wanting to go visit her sister and I can’t take her there at 8:00pm at night. It should not have to be this way. She should be here so Kirstin could have grown up with her. Instead she gets to ask me to take her to see her grave and hope that it is not to late at night. I’m pretty sure I know the answer but I have to ask it. Does this ever get any easier? I told her that we would go and visit her this weekend. And this time I will make sure to bring more flowers so that Kirstin can give flowers to all the other little babies.

Well my short little break is over and I must get back to work. I hope next week is not so busy but I doubt it with it being end of the quarter.

The monitor was bad

Yes I have a bad monitor. I went this weekend and bought a new sugar monitor. I have taken about 5 readings on myself and Tom. My old monitor is off by about 13 points. But that still is putting Tom in the pre-diabetic range. And needless to say I am not surprised. My husband is very heavy and needs to lose about 90lbs if not a little more. I just wish I could get him to understand how serious his weight is. He could care less. I have been trying to get him to go the Doctor but he won’t go because he knows they will tell him to lose weight. I bet if he would lose at least 30lbs his sugar levels would improve. But I can’t make him go I just hope he wakes up to the fact that diabetes is not a good thing to have.

But I have to say just how thankful I am that Kirstin is ok. I got the numbers from her blood test and her fasting was 74!!! What a great number and her urine dip showed no sugar or kidney problems. So she is healthy but I will not have my parents go back to the way things were. Point blank she does not need all the sugar that she eats over there. And so far they have been doing better.

Now I have to get to Oct. 30th for Gavin’s appt. with the urologist. I still can’t believe how far away I had to make that appt. I just hope that after the first appt. that things can move along quickly. I just want this all done and over with and to find out what is going to happen.

Thank goodness

I am breathing a little easier today. I just checked on K’s blood work and it came back normal. I now just want to find out what the number was exactly. I also think I just might need to get a new monitor. It gave Tom a very high fasting reading the other day also. So I wonder if the monitor is just off. I guess I will get a new one and take a few more fasting on Tom and see what we get. I also wonder if the numbers came back normal since we have already made some changes in her diet. Because that could be the case. I did tell my parents that if the numbers came back normal that they are to stick to the new diet changes. I know first hand that even if you have pre-diabetes and you change things in your diet you can get good sugar readings. So I really don’t want to take the chance and let things go back to the way they were.

But needless to say one weight has been lifted off of me today. There is still that small fear in the back about the readings I have been getting on her. But at least I know for now she is fine. And I will just have to keep a good watch over her. And that I will do because that is my job. To watch out for my children and do my best to make sure they are safe and healthy. And I must say even as scared as I am sometimes I would not trade this job for anything.

I can't stad waiting for answers

I am just beside myself waiting on the results of K’s blood work from yesterday. I know with myself when they did blood work while I was PG the Doctor had the results in two days. So I told my husband that if we don’t here anything by Wed. I am calling the Doctor first thing Thursday morn.

I have been fighting guilt over all of this also. Like with everything else that has to do with my children I have been playing the blame game with myself. You know what I mean. If this test comes back bad I blame myself since I had GD. I keep saying well if I did not have GD then she would have been ok. Even though I know better then to blame myself I just can’t stop. I know there was a lot more then that for this to be a possibility. I mean we are both high risk anyway. Diabetes runs very high in my family and in Tom’s. There is Diabetes on both side of the family.

Then there is Gavin the soonest they can get me in is Oct. 30th with the urologist. If I wanted a Friday appt. (I am off on Friday so I try to make all doctors appts. on Friday) it would have been the end of November. I mean come on is there really that many children that need to see an urologist. Good thing this is not something that needs immediate attention. Although I do feel like it is something that should be taken care of quickly. And of course the only Children’s urologist is a 45 min. drive from my house so I will need to take most of the day off that day.

These two things have me so worried I just want to get them done and over with. All this waiting is making me crazy. I want to know all the answers now!!

I can't out run fear, it always seems to find me

I tend not to write about things in hopes that they just don’t become an issue that I ever need to write or talk about. I have been having some concerns about Kirstin for a little bit that she might be having problems with her sugar levels. I spoke to her Doctor about it at her 4 year check up and she told me to keep an eye on it and bring her back if I needed to. Well I took her today to talk to the Doctor and get a scrip to have some blood work done. We go Monday morning for a fasting blood sugar and a urine dip. I hope with all my heart that it all comes back fine but I don’t see that happening.

See for the last week I have started testing her sugar levels at home with my monitor. She has not been in the diabetic range but the pre-diabetic range which is still not good. The only good thing is if she is pre-diabetic there is a good chance we can get a handle on this and maybe stop it in its track. But how hard is all of this going to be on her.

Personally I don’t feed her a lot of sweets and junk but everybody else does. I have been asking my parents for years now to stop letting her eat all that junk that she eats at their house. They have her a lot since they keep her while we work. Never once have they listened to me. But now that this has all come up they are finally willing to listen to me and make some changes at their house. And I some what hold them accountable for some of this. For example last week I go there to pick up the kids and my mom tells me “they are probably not hungry they have been eating cookies all afternoon.” I lost it on her, why does she let them do things like that. She knows better but yet she lets them gorge on sweets at her house. I have watched my father walk up to them at 7:00am when they are dropped off and give them candy or cookies. Why has this even had to be a fight with them? I made the decision to tell them that if at any point from here on out they are not willing to work with me on this they can no longer keep my children. This is serious and I hope they realize how serious this is.

Then there is Gavin. I have written once in the past about his testicals not coming all the way down. His doctor wanted to give it until his 15 months check up. Well we also had his 15 month check up today and we got a referral to see a urologist. I am just hoping with all hope that he will not have to have surgery.

This all makes me so sad and angry. I have already had to fight my ass off to get these kids here shouldn’t I get a free pass on their health. Why can’t it just be easy for once? I don’t want my kids to have any kind of problems. I want them to be healthy and not have to worry. It seems that the fear I had while trying to get them hear healthy does not get to leave. But now I just get to fear what might be. It seems I always have something to be afraid of and I am just tired of being afraid.

I just don't get it

I listen to the news in my car as I drive home from work. The leading story was of a two year old little girl who died because her mother left her in the car. Her mother said she forgot to take her to daycare and forgot she was in the car. She went into to work and two hours later remembered that she was in the car.

Now I just don’t get it, how do you forget your child is in the car much less to drop them off at daycare. I mean come on I bet she did not forget to take her purse in with her. Or her briefcase or laptop if she had one. So how do you forget your child is in the car?

Never once have I strapped my child or anybody else’s child in my car and forgot they were in there. And I know first hand that most two year olds are not sitting back there quite. I just don’t get it. And it really makes me sick that people even use this excuse when this happens.

So if anybody and educate me out there can somebody tell me how in the hell you forget your child is in the car.

Just can't get ahead

I give up trying to get ahead. I took this second job to try and get us ahead on bills but they just keep coming and coming. This weekend was so expensive. First the dog got sick. It sounded like her had Kennel cough. So Saturday we took him to the vet. They told us it could either be kennel cough or heart worms but they had no way of knowing unless they did X-rays and blood work. So $400.00 dollars later they told us he had a doggy cold. Can you believe $400.00 to be told he had a doggie cold. That just made me sick.

Then Gavin woke up about 10:00pm Saturday night and was just burning up. I took his temp and it was 105. So we took him to the after hours pediatrics. One $50.00 dollar copay later we were told her had a double ear infection. As of last night he was still holding his ears and running a very high fever. So today he will go to the Doctor again. They will probably have to change the meds he is on since I don’t think they are working.

So $450.00 out the door in one day! How in the world are we ever going to catch up when things like this keep happening. It is all just so frustrating!

So as soon as the Doctor opens this morning I have to call and get Gavin in and see what they have to say this time.