They remind me everyday why I fought for them

Let the fun begin!! Gavin has found that hitting his sister can be fun. He does not hit hard enough to hurt her so it takes all I have not to laugh when it happens. It is so hard to discipline while trying not to laugh. And so the fighting begins with the kids. I never thought it would have started this early. I mean he will only be 15 months on the 1st. And last night he was out to get her.

It started when he had a board in his hand, he raised it to hit her and Tom took the board from him and told him no hit. Kirstin moved to the other side of the room beside me and he came after her with his hand in the air ready to slap her. I grabbed his hand and told him no but he was bound and determined he was going to get her. So after about 5 more attempts to get at her I picked him up so she could move. He was then slapping at the air at her. It was actually very comical. I finally let him down and he went after her again. Not to sure why he has all the sudden he has decided that hitting his sister is a fun thing to do. But even though it is comical I have to find a way to put a stop to it.

And speaking of Kirstin she cut her hair at school. Why do kids do this? I picked her up from school last Friday and next thing I know her teacher is chasing me out to the car. She said “I forgot to tell you that I found Kirstin and another little girl cutting their hair today”. She then handed me a baggie with Kirstin’s hair in it. So Kirstin now has some very uneven layers in her hair. And what stinks about this is she did this about a year ago and her hair was finally one length again.

And what I find even funnier about all this craziness with my kids is that I love it!! They make me realize everyday how lucky I am to have them. And why I fought so hard to get them here. While I was trying to make my family I was told by more then one person I should just stop. They all thought I was crazy for putting myself though so much hell. But if I would have stopped trying I would have not ended up with these two amazing children.

I Rock

Artblog has nominated me as a Rockin Girl Blogger. I am touched that she finds me a Rockin Girl Blogger. She and I do have a lot of things in common in our lives.

Now I have to choose Five other Rockin Girl Bloggers. This I find very hard to choose just 5 on. Not only do I have the blogs I read in my links but there are others not linked that I also read. Sooo……….

Missing_One at “A Mending Heart” I nominate her as a Rockin Girl Blogger for her honesty in her writing. She puts herself out there for us to see the real person she is. And the real hurt she is feeling. When reading her blog I feel as if I can really get a since of who she is.

Carole at “The Journey From Here” I nominate her as a Rocking Girl Blogger because I admire her sprit. I read her blog and I am just amazed at how at peace she is. I log to be as at peace as she is one day. Her acceptance of what she has gone though makes me believe that one day it will happen for me.

Kate at “Nicolas’ Garden” I nominate her for her kindness and caring for others. You can see in her writing that she truly cares for people and will do her best to give them comfort in their time of need. Where she finds the time to do all that she does I will never know. And I just love how beautiful her garden is.

Rosepetal at “Moksha” I nominate her for her honesty in her writing also. She is truly a strong and lovely person. I also feel a certain connection with her. We too have some things in common and that puts her in a special place in my heart.

Rachd at “Life with Hannah and Lilly” I nominate her and she has no clue I even read her blog. Not sure why I have never commented to her before just one of those things I guess. But I find inspiration her in blog. She has just recently lost her much loved daughter but she is still able to find sparkles. (if you don’t understand the sparkles you will have to read her blog)

All of these people inspire me. And there are so many more of you I could also nominate.

I have been crazy busy and my dad is better

I tried to update sooner but things have been a little crazy the last few days. Of course we have the normal stuff my two jobs, taking care of house and kids. Then we also had the first day of school this Monday the 20th so I have been running around trying to get everything for that. And last Friday the 17th was meet the teacher day. I spent most of Saturday in the ER. Gavin knocked he head on the coffee table and with in seconds he had an egg on his forehead. So I took him to the ER to make sure he did not do any damage. It was also his nap time and I was afraid to put him down after that. But after a few different doctors looking at him and a C.a.t S.ca.n they declared him normal. The only reason they did a C.a.t. S.ca.n was because of his age. He was acting fine but because he is under two and his skull has not hardened completely they made sure he did not crack it. And on Sunday since it was the last day before school we took the kids to U.niver.sal St.udio.s to play for a little bit. We figured Kirstin could have one last fun day before summer was all over. I did take some pictures that I will have to post once I get them developed.

And I was off yesterday from work but I had so much to do at home it was not even funny. Thankfully Gavin took a 3 hour nap and with Kirstin at school I got just about everything done!

So an update on my dad. After a few days he seemed to come to his senses. He is back to doing what he should do and trying to take care of himself and he is eating again. He has decided to go and have a bi.op.sy done. I just hope that turns out well. He is now on Oxygen 24/7 now but if he does what he is supposed to the doctor said he still has a good few years left in him. That is if nothing else happens like getting cancer or anything. So fingers crossed for the bi.op.sy. This has all been such a relief to me that he has stopped being so foolish. Thank you all so much who kept him in your thoughts. It does mean a lot to me. Now we just need to keep him in the frame of mind he is in right now.

Well I had best get back to work. I came in today after having Monday off. And it looked like my desk had exploded so I have been playing catch all day so far. This is why I can’t take a whole week at a time off. Nobody knows how to do my work so they just pile it up on my desk. It is nice to have the job security but it would also be nice to know that if I want to take a week off I could.

My Father please keep him in your thoughts

It is looking as if my Father is just going to give up. As of yesterday he has stopped taking all of his medications, his breathing treatments and refuses to eat. He has asked everybody to just leave him only. He won’t talk to anybody not even when people call to talk with him. He refuses to call and or see any more doctors. I am just at a loss. I know he is sick and maybe he is just ready for it all to be done with but to watch him just give up I can’t do that.

My mother called me this morning and asked me how you get somebody to eat. I told her you can’t. The only thing I can come up is I told my mother to have him Bak.er Act.ed. I told her to call 911 and tell them that he is no longer able to make decisions for his self and have him Bak.er Act.ed. That is the only thing I can come up with that we might be able to get him to see his doctors, take his medications and eat.

I really feel that if the no.du.le they found is not cancer then if he does what he is supposed to he has some life left in him. How do you just sit and watch somebody give up and let them die. I can’t do this but I don’t know what I can do about it.

Why does it have to be this way? I mean I know he is going to die but to sit and do nothing I just can’t.

He is complaining again of the same symptoms that put him in the hospital last week but refused to go back to the hospital. They let him out late Monday night I wish they would have kept him a little longer. I wish they would have kept him and at least did a bi.op.sy on the no.du.le they found. At least that way it would have gotten done and we would know for sure.

My heart is breaking I just can’t do this. I just can’t watch him do this to his self. And I am angry because I don’t know what to do and I think I am just going to have to watch him die. I am just so lost, I can’t do this.

It seems that My Birthday ='s Bad Things

So Yesterday was my Birthday and I ate so much junk! I had brought salad for my lunch yesterday and had planed on trying to start eating better to drop the 10lbs I want to lose. But since it was my Birthday my Boss took me to lunch and I ate a huge hamburger and then had cake back at the office. And let’s just say I ate more the one piece. Then after dinner at home Tom and Kirstin pulled out and Ice Cream Cake so I had a huge piece of that also. So I believe that yesterday I had all the fat and calories that I need for the week.

I did a first this weekend for myself I actually spent my Birthday gift cards on myself. Usually I feel bad buying for myself and end up buying for the kids. But this year I forced myself to spend the money on me. I did have some guilt but it was nice to get some new clothes. I don’t know why I have such a hard time spending on myself but I always feel like I have done something wrong when I do.

I guess my Birthday was as good as it could be. My birthdays always seem to have something go wrong on or around them. In 2002 it was finding out my First baby was dead on my Birthday. In 2003 my house got broke into on the night of my Birthday. In 2004 it was Hur.ric.ane Ch.ar.lie. Then in 2005 it was giving birth to Emma 9 days before my Birthday. And last year I was still so upset from Emma’s first year since she had been gone I could care less. And this year it was my father being in the hospital.

Those of you have read my blog since I had the other one know my father is not well. He got put in the hospital last Friday. He was pretty bad off and was placed in the progressive care unit. While he was there they of course ran all kinds of test on him. He was informed yesterday that they found in area in his neck by his ear that might be Ca.nc.er. So he now has to go and have a bi.op.sy done on the no.dul.e that they found. If it is cancer he can not have any surgery done on him because of his Im.phy.sema and I know that my father will opt not to have any kind of Ch.e.mo or Ra.d.ati.on Treatment. So we must now cross our fingers and hope that is not C.an.cer. But my gut tells me to be ready for not so good news. But this also means that my father has to follow though and go and see the Doctor to get a Bi.op.sy. And one thing my father is bad about is going to the Doctor and Following though. He has the attitude that if it is cancer there is nothing that can be done so why waste his time going to the Doctor. So I guess we will have to see what he does.

So one more Birthday down on year older and one more bad thing to remember on my Birthday. I think we should just take my Birthday off the calendar.

And my BF takes my breath away

I received a gift my Best Friend yesterday. And this gift shows first hand why I have held her so near and dear to my heart for so long. But first let me give you a little back ground to her gift before I tell you what it is.

When Emma passed away I told her the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that she just might be up there with her mother. My Best Friend’s mother passed away due to ca.n.cer. At Emma’s viewing she and I were sitting with Emma and she pulled an angel pin out of her pocket. She handed me the pen and told me she got this for Emma so that her mother could find her. They also pinned one of these on her mother’s clothes. And to this day it gives me comfort thinking that her mother and Emma are together.

So yesterday I get a package in the mail. I think it is something for my birthday; she is so good about getting things mailed out for birthdays and such. Me not so good about that. But anyway, I open the packet and pull out a picture frame (it was upside down when I pulled it out so I could not see what was in it). I turn it over and it just took my breath away. It is a metal frame that says “Night Night, Sleep Tight” all the way around it. There is a place for 3 photos. In two of the spots for photos there is a picture of Emma, a picture of her mother and the third spot is blank with a note attached. The note reads “All Good Mothers take Care of Each others Children”. She also said she left the 3rd spot blank so I could choose what would go in there. And I have the perfect photo to put there. My mother just happen to take a picture right as my BF was putting the angel pin in my hand for Emma. So that is the picture that will go in the 3rd spot.

There are really not enough words to express to how much her gift means to me. I have yet to thank her because she is so very hard to get on the phone. And with a gift like this an e-mail or letter in my opinion is just not an option. I have to and want to thank her with words right from me. I have not tried her yet this morning because I need to be here alone at work. I know if I reach her I will start to cry and I really don’t want to do that here at work. I have had to stop writing this post a few times so that I don’t break down here at work.

I know I have promised pictures of things in the past and never got it done. But I am going to do my best to get the 3rd photo in the frame and take a picture of it to share.

And that last thing I have to say is if anybody has friends as good as she is to me please hold them close and let them know how much they are loved. People with great hearts and compassion are few and far between. So if you read this S before I get a hold of you I love you. Thank you for being my friend for all these years. And once again you have brought me to tears. If only there were more people like you in this world it would be a better place.

Getting older

Monday is my Birthday. I will be 35 years old and honestly this does not bother me. Life goes by you get older that is just how it works. But every once in a while I hear something that makes me go Man you are old. This morning it was on my way to work. I was listening to the news and they were talking about the Sh.utt.le La.unch that is coming up. Once again they are sending a teacher into space. This teacher was the alternate for the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger.

So they then began to talk about the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger and the horrible accident. As the news anchor started talking about this she lead in with “it was 21 years ago that the Sp.ac.e Sh.utt.le Ch.all.en.ger exploded”. Once I heard that I said WOW I am getting old. It just does not seem like that could have been 21 years ago. I can still tell you what I was doing when it happened. I was in the 7th grade and our teacher had taken us to the Library so that we could watch the L.aun.ch on TV. But as soon as we seen that it had exploded we all ran outside and could see the falling debris. And honestly I still remember all of this like it was yesterday. It is funny how certain things stay so fresh in your memory.

Hearing things like that is what really make me realize my age. I know many people say this but I really don’t feel much older then I did when I was in my 20’s. I just look a little worse for wear. And I have to say the worse for wear look came on in the last 2 years. I attribute a lot of it to all the stress I went though.

So yeah 35 here I come and you don’t scare me one bit even if I am getting old.

Two years, Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

I was going to post Saturday on Emma’s Birthday but I did not feel like it. I had trouble getting out of bed for two reasons. I did not get home from my second job until midnight and I just did not want to get out of bed and face the day. But I did finally get up and get moving. I got dressed and went and got some flowers for Emma’s Grave. Again Tom did not want to go to her grave with me but this year Kirstin did. So just Kirstin and myself went. Once again this little girl just amazed me.

We got to Emma’s grave and she bent down and rubbed her grave marker and said in the sweetest little voice. “Happy Birthday baby girl.” That was the end for me, the tears just started flowing. I was down on my knees rubbing her grave marker when Kirstin gave me the biggest hug. She then looked at me and said “I promise mommy me and Gavin won’t get sick and die”. Talk about heartbreak this kid just did me in. We then took one of Emma’s flowers and once again gave one to her neighbor. He is a little boy who only lived just a few days. But he was born on Aug. 5th one day after Emma. So every year I leave him a flower.

As we were leaving the grave yard we passed baby land. Emma was not able to be buried in baby land because they have no more space there. How sad is it that baby land at the cemetery is full. She asked me if we could come back one day with flowers for all the little babies there. I have to say I have one wonderful little girl. It makes me proud that she would think of all those other little babies.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl mommy loves and misses you more then ever. And your big sister loves and misses you too. If only you could be here with us. My heart is still broken and I can only hope that I will see you again one day. I love you.

Trying to teach good maners

We have a small (well smelly) dilemma at our house. I have been doing my best to teach good manners. But some times that can be so hard. It is embarrassing to say but we are a house of farters. Yes I said farters and we find farts very funny. Farts are just funny not sure why but they are. So how do you teach your child it is not a good thing just to let one go any old place. Because when she dose let one rip we all end up laughing. And why the heck are they so funny? We have at least gotten as far as to get her to say excuse me when she does it. But the excuse me comes out in between laughter. And those of you that are reading this thinking wow these people are nuts. Come on admit it, they are funny.

I miss my kids, my neighbor won't listen and Gavin is a walker

So how is that for a long title.

Well so far this week has been crazy just like I thought it would. Monday and Tuesday I had to go right from one job to another. The worst part was not getting to see my kids on those days. By the time I got home they were in bed. I don’t know how divorced people with children do it. I don’t think I could go weeks at a time without seeing my kids. Hell it has only been two days I have not seen them and I am hating it. But tonight and tomorrow I have time to go home before I have to be there. And then Friday I don’t work during the day so I have all day with them before I go in that night. I am hoping that I don’t have to work this second job very long. We just have a few bills we still need to get paid off. I am also going to use this extra money for Christmas. No charging on the credit cards this year. That is one reason we are a little behind right now. With all the medical bills last year we did not really have money for Christmas so I charged most of it. But not this year.

I spoke to my neighbor yesterday and she has not taken my advice. She is still just going about her normal life hoping her Doctor will call if her 24 hour came back positive and not make her wait. But I told her again no to depend on her Doctor he sounds like a quack. I told her to take charge of her medical care and either demand the results before next month or go back to the hospital. She is still getting very high BP readings when she takes her BP. I know with myself it took 4 weeks from the time I had a slightly high reading for it to become pre-e. But my BP was not nearly as high at that point as hers is right now. It was when I had BP readings as high as hers that I had went from PIH to Pre-E. I don’t really thinks she understand how bad this could end up being. I mean her Doctor has not even suggested NST’s. Once my BP when up my Doctor Started NST’s twice a week. I wish I had the stomach to be a Doctor. I would become an OB/GYN and do my best to give all mothers and babies the best chance possible. Doctors like hers just make me mad.

And on a happy note I now have a Full Fledged Walker. Gavin no longer crawls at all. He started this about a week ago. And I just have to say it is the cueist thing to watch. I admit that there are days I do get sad watching him reach his milestones and thinking about what I missed out on with Emma. But it still makes me smile to watch him do new things and get such a proud look on his face. But this has been one of the hardest things also. Watching and knowing all that I did not get to see Emma do these things. There are days I can almost imagine what the look on her face would have been when doing these things. But that is all I can do is imagine.

Ok I guess that did not turn into such a happy note so I will end my post here.